half-ass rejection.

i've never had the talk where an agent has looked at me point-blank and told me that it's all in my head and that i'm not made to be a model, that i can't do this. everyone seems to acknowledge my ability and potential to do this. they just aren't picking me. this half-ass rejection is numbing me. i just want to scream at them!

DON'T YOU GET IT? I'M AWESOME! YOU WANT ME! I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED AND EVERYTHING IT TAKES AND, TRUST ME, YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED!

Obviously, as you kids know, I don't lack the self-confidence or assurance for this business. I'm just frustrated with the pickle I keep finding myself in. That place where people see me and talk to me and get all worked up about me and tell me all the things I want to hear...and then, for some reason or another, convince themselves otherwise. They must replay the seen over in their minds...she wasn't that sweet, well, she doesn't have enough experience maybe?---something keeps stopping people once I walk out the door. Time away takes their faith and excitement. And it keeps happening over and over. Wilhelmina. Front. MC2. Code. Fusion. Boss. 6 agencies! 6 have told me they wanted me, only to back out.

Its like I have a delayed shadow that follows me to all these places that disenchants them, makes them forget that inexplicable spark that made them promise me those things that time steels back.

So i'm in it again. I'm going back to Miami next week to rekindle old sparks and start new ones. I poured this frustration out on the local agent here and so I'm meeting with her Monday to pick out photos for comp cards (that I'm paying for) that she will start getting out to her clients. Next week I'm calling back the agencies in NY and putting people on the spot to get a yes or a no. I hate limbo. I can't do it in relationships and so I don't know why I've let it happen in my work. (or lack there of...at this point.)