Contemporary Monologue I:
Desdemona, A Play About a Handkerchief by Paula Vogel
What does honesty have to do with adultery?
Every honest man I know is an adulterer.
I remember the first time I saw my husband and I caught a glimpse of his skin and – oh I thrilled! I thought – aha – a man of different color! From another world and planet. I thought, if I marry this strange dark man , I can leave this narrow little Venice with its whispering piazzas behind – I can escape and see the world.
But underneath that exotic façade was nothing but a porcelain white Venetian.
Of course you don’t understand. But there’s something in my blood and that is a desire to know the world. I lie in the blackness of the room at the establishment…on sheets that are torn and stained by countless nights. And the men that come into that pitch-black room are men of different sizes and smells and shapes…men of smooth skin, rough skin, and scarred skin. And they spill their seed into me – a seed from a thousand lands, passed down through generations of ancestors, with genealogies that cover the surface of the globe. And I simply lie still there in the darkness, taking them all into me. I close my eyes and in the dark of my mind – oh, how I travel.
---
How do I relate this to myself? Specifically?
Every time I meet a man I find interesting I get butterflies. I get so excited. I think maybe, just maybe he will know how to be with me! I think just maybe he will understand how odd I am and I can open up with him! Oh the romanticism I find in the unknown is scary.
All but once or twice or thrice has there been a shining white porcelain man in my presence and all I can do is sit and stare. If only they could understand I am not porcelain white – I am a black hole of everythingness.
Desdemona cannot let anyone know it is she who hides in the darkness of that room waiting to travel the world – only I can let other people know I have had my fun with boys. Not saying we are the same person, only that I do understand her. Whether I convey her thoughts in my monologue, I must understand WHY she feels this need. What compels a woman of royalty to prostitute her body in and out of every man.
It is not the idea of prostitution. It is the idea of anonymous fun. As taboo as that may be – let it be. I am captured by it – by the idea of society holding you in one position during the day and going insane during the night. It is a balance – maybe that is what some people need?
Anyways, I am using this blog as an acting tool – so when/if they ask me what is your objective? I’ll say – to convince and express to my maid “Emilia” why I am a whore at night. Also, so when I go in there and I a speaking these words of taboo-ness I can understand where they are coming from.
I have experienced many shapes, sizes, and smells. I have experienced rough skins, smooth skins, and scarred skins. I remember most of them. I love them for the moment – and only the moment. For, sometimes I wish there was blackness to make me only feel and not see – because it is the seeing and light, which makes a whore a whore – if there is only darkness no one would know. And no one ever admits to feeling – so Desdemona, you are the perfect prostitute
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
fear. I Can See You.
HOW to LOVE AUDITIONING:
"Anyone who watches auditions will regularly tell you: ten percent or less - some even say one percent - of the actors they see look like they're having a good time. Surprised? They also say that actors who seem to truly enjoy auditioning are more likely to be considered and cast."
"The problem is too many actors show up for this first date with an engagement ring - recognize the AuDiTiTiOn DaNcE."
Yes, I am PetrifieD.
I figure might as well embrace it.
Yes, I am ExciteD.
I figure might as well embrace it.
I am nervous,
Yet so excited to have this chance.
I want to show the schools,
Yes - I would love to be a part of your school.
Yes - I am a hard worker.
Yes - I will be temporarily hurt if I do not make the cuts.
Yes - If i don't make it - you will see me next year!
Yes - I will have read almost every play published by that time.
Yes - I will act.
Yes - I will think productively.
It is a Dance.
I shall dance for them.
Dance the words of Desdemona and King Lear.
I'll courtesy upon my arrival,
"Hello, my name is Ajna."
I'll smile upon every time I feel it.
I'll prance upon my words,
I'll let them know - I know my stuff.
I might not know composition from construction,
BUT I do know stories.
And I most definitely Know my Character.
So why must fear prevail?
I do pray thee,
Fear, help me do well.
Become my friend!
Hold my hand,
And walk me in to my audition.
For it is only you and me,
Might as well become the best of friends.
Oh my, these auditions
"It is a business of some heat."
"Anyone who watches auditions will regularly tell you: ten percent or less - some even say one percent - of the actors they see look like they're having a good time. Surprised? They also say that actors who seem to truly enjoy auditioning are more likely to be considered and cast."
"The problem is too many actors show up for this first date with an engagement ring - recognize the AuDiTiTiOn DaNcE."
Yes, I am PetrifieD.
I figure might as well embrace it.
Yes, I am ExciteD.
I figure might as well embrace it.
I am nervous,
Yet so excited to have this chance.
I want to show the schools,
Yes - I would love to be a part of your school.
Yes - I am a hard worker.
Yes - I will be temporarily hurt if I do not make the cuts.
Yes - If i don't make it - you will see me next year!
Yes - I will have read almost every play published by that time.
Yes - I will act.
Yes - I will think productively.
It is a Dance.
I shall dance for them.
Dance the words of Desdemona and King Lear.
I'll courtesy upon my arrival,
"Hello, my name is Ajna."
I'll smile upon every time I feel it.
I'll prance upon my words,
I'll let them know - I know my stuff.
I might not know composition from construction,
BUT I do know stories.
And I most definitely Know my Character.
So why must fear prevail?
I do pray thee,
Fear, help me do well.
Become my friend!
Hold my hand,
And walk me in to my audition.
For it is only you and me,
Might as well become the best of friends.
Oh my, these auditions
"It is a business of some heat."
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Movies: To See
I thought this could be the post where we post movies to see - and why?
1. In the Name of the Father
- 1993 Daniel Day Lewis
Based on a true story about the Guildford Four and the Maguire Seven. Two sets of wrongfully convicted bomb murderers in the 1970s. English courts took them into custody for life (30 years). It was not till fifteen years later an investigator proved them innocent and they were all set free. It is splendid. Nominated for seven Oscars.
2. Mostly Martha
- 2002 German foreign film
This is the movie that "No Reservations" was based on. However, they are nothing alike except for maybe moments of the plot. Mostly Martha is beautifully filmed and the director of photography must have been a god damn genius. It is just a beautiful movie. The subtlety is the core of the movie.
3. Precious
- 2010
This is everything you don't want to see and hear, but put forth on the screen in a way that will only make you cry for the pain you can't even conceive how to feel.
4. Betty Blue
- 1986 French foreign film
Psychotic and intriguing. It is a story about passionate lovers who love each other and that is all. The man is in love with the pyschotic nature of his girl. I like it alot. It is a tad bit long, 3 hours, but it is worth it.
5. An Education
-2009 a memoir
About a girl, who does not understand the reason for her need of education? She is confused. Incredibly innocent and vulnerable, almost so much that her giggles make you want to cry for her. It is a tad slow and subtle and does not leave your mind blown away, but it crawls through your mind. The actress, Carrey Mulligan was simply so believable that you wonder if that is truly her. She was born in 1985, which only makes her 24 - but she looks so much younger, it is fantastic.
1. In the Name of the Father
- 1993 Daniel Day Lewis
Based on a true story about the Guildford Four and the Maguire Seven. Two sets of wrongfully convicted bomb murderers in the 1970s. English courts took them into custody for life (30 years). It was not till fifteen years later an investigator proved them innocent and they were all set free. It is splendid. Nominated for seven Oscars.
2. Mostly Martha
- 2002 German foreign film
This is the movie that "No Reservations" was based on. However, they are nothing alike except for maybe moments of the plot. Mostly Martha is beautifully filmed and the director of photography must have been a god damn genius. It is just a beautiful movie. The subtlety is the core of the movie.
3. Precious
- 2010
This is everything you don't want to see and hear, but put forth on the screen in a way that will only make you cry for the pain you can't even conceive how to feel.
4. Betty Blue
- 1986 French foreign film
Psychotic and intriguing. It is a story about passionate lovers who love each other and that is all. The man is in love with the pyschotic nature of his girl. I like it alot. It is a tad bit long, 3 hours, but it is worth it.
5. An Education
-2009 a memoir
About a girl, who does not understand the reason for her need of education? She is confused. Incredibly innocent and vulnerable, almost so much that her giggles make you want to cry for her. It is a tad slow and subtle and does not leave your mind blown away, but it crawls through your mind. The actress, Carrey Mulligan was simply so believable that you wonder if that is truly her. She was born in 1985, which only makes her 24 - but she looks so much younger, it is fantastic.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
me oh goodness my
My oh My!
Sweet Shit.
You fucked me through a photo.
Goodness.
Sweet Shit.
You fucked me good and hard.
My oh My!
Sweet Shit.
You are mouth-watering in those pictures.
Goodness.
Sweet Shit.
Vogue where are you?
I have something to show you.
Come Ms. Wintour.
Into my mailbox.
love love
kiss
Sweet Shit.
You fucked me through a photo.
Goodness.
Sweet Shit.
You fucked me good and hard.
My oh My!
Sweet Shit.
You are mouth-watering in those pictures.
Goodness.
Sweet Shit.
Vogue where are you?
I have something to show you.
Come Ms. Wintour.
Into my mailbox.
love love
kiss
Saturday, January 2, 2010
i keep forwarding
I capture moments on my iphone.
I immediately ‘forward’ moments to Husband.
Husband never says much.
Feels my moment. One after the other.
I keep forwarding.
I know he is feeling them.
I left the capital and came home today.
United Postal Service had something for me.
Return addressee: Husband.
I opened it.
It was a novel of my moments.
Each moment printed.
With a story.
My husband wrote me a story
With every moment I sent him.
Oh my tears.
My uncontrollable saturated tears,
Dropped and plopped on his story of moments.
Everywhere.
Like a cloud.
I watered my world of moments.
Dear Sun,
Do shine on my world of moments.
And on my husband.
“may fairies and gods prosper with thee husband.”
i keep forwarding.
I immediately ‘forward’ moments to Husband.
Husband never says much.
Feels my moment. One after the other.
I keep forwarding.
I know he is feeling them.
I left the capital and came home today.
United Postal Service had something for me.
Return addressee: Husband.
I opened it.
It was a novel of my moments.
Each moment printed.
With a story.
My husband wrote me a story
With every moment I sent him.
Oh my tears.
My uncontrollable saturated tears,
Dropped and plopped on his story of moments.
Everywhere.
Like a cloud.
I watered my world of moments.
Dear Sun,
Do shine on my world of moments.
And on my husband.
“may fairies and gods prosper with thee husband.”
i keep forwarding.
bliss & anxiety
yesterday (and today, just a little less so) I was super anxious. I've been going through another one of those phases where I feel so cooped up in Naples. I went dancing last night with Fidel. I love dancing. I LOVEEEEEE it. And I don't dance here. No one dances and the people and places that do have dancing--there is no soul or heart or spirit or that utter release that everyone in Austin shared. My life just seems like it's hit the pause button and I'm holding for something better to happen, for my life to begin. I'm searching for satisfaction in guys but not really searching and not really receiving. I went for a run today and ran to this place called Filafel Grill to meet Fidel for lunch (oh so many f's in that one!) and it was DELICIOUS and made me anxious to cook and devour greek/mediterranean/egyptian food again. I haven't been cooking as much and I miss it. I also bought myself another 2 cookbooks (my mom gave me a gift card to do so cause she said she couldn't pick one out) and so I've been savoring my mornings again (well, the last 3 or 4) by putting on my Nora Jones and eating a slow breakfast. I bought an almost moldy papaya from Walmart from Belize and it was perfect. So good. (Your mom taught me how to pick it out!) and even though Walmart isn't exactly known for produce, I figured that's where the Mexicans and poor people of Naples are shopping, and so that is probably the best crop of papaya in the city seeing that no one else eats it. Anyway, I've been cradling my weight down again (well, I was, but I got a little off track yesterday and we'll see today) since I was over my 'acceptable weight range'. It feels good though to bring it back down. It's like I pat myself on the back and give myself a thumbs up to see it lower, but also I think I'm feeling good about it because I'm just putting healthier things back into my body after eating a lot of heavy shit. So I'm cleansing and deguilting myself. But I splurged on sweet treats this afternoon. It felt like the right mood after my energizing run and delicious meal.
I think I've been roller-coastering between utter exuberance/bliss and bitterness/anxiousness too because this is that time when things are going to start happening again. The break is basically over (well, Monday) and I need to nail down that contract with 301 (I'm so scared they don't want me anymore because I asked for so much w/ the contract!) or go back to Miami to do the rounds again and re-enroll in school and write my independent study and sign up for my online classes and then keep working with Boss in New York. Now's the time when I'm going to start realizing whether I'm actually going anywhere or if Naples and the Jolly Cricket are trying to secure my chains and toss out the keys.
Obviously, I'm not going to let the latter happen, but at what point do I decide that it is more unhealthy for me to go after modeling here vs. sucking it up and going back to Texas or getting my ass up to NY alone w/ no job, money, etc.
Rachel came in last night from Brazil I think. Fidel talked to Susan (who Rachel is staying with) and hopefully they're coming to Happy Hour at work today. I'm SO EXCITED! It's been about 2 or more years since I saw this girl and I love her to death! And you and Cait mixed with my sexual frustration mixed with my anxiousness mixed with Rachel's bisexual history mixed with my utter love and adoration and affection for this girl has got my mind going. Haha. God. I'm going to shower. Get ready for work. (and pray Brandon is working--in the meantime!).
Love you!
I think I've been roller-coastering between utter exuberance/bliss and bitterness/anxiousness too because this is that time when things are going to start happening again. The break is basically over (well, Monday) and I need to nail down that contract with 301 (I'm so scared they don't want me anymore because I asked for so much w/ the contract!) or go back to Miami to do the rounds again and re-enroll in school and write my independent study and sign up for my online classes and then keep working with Boss in New York. Now's the time when I'm going to start realizing whether I'm actually going anywhere or if Naples and the Jolly Cricket are trying to secure my chains and toss out the keys.
Obviously, I'm not going to let the latter happen, but at what point do I decide that it is more unhealthy for me to go after modeling here vs. sucking it up and going back to Texas or getting my ass up to NY alone w/ no job, money, etc.
Rachel came in last night from Brazil I think. Fidel talked to Susan (who Rachel is staying with) and hopefully they're coming to Happy Hour at work today. I'm SO EXCITED! It's been about 2 or more years since I saw this girl and I love her to death! And you and Cait mixed with my sexual frustration mixed with my anxiousness mixed with Rachel's bisexual history mixed with my utter love and adoration and affection for this girl has got my mind going. Haha. God. I'm going to shower. Get ready for work. (and pray Brandon is working--in the meantime!).
Love you!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Welcome to the Jolly Cricket, Can I help you?
...we've been open about 2 months now...yes, we are new. Yep, they re-did everything and took out the booths...yes, they did a really great job with it...it used to be Trilogy last year, and before that it was Zoe's...
...sure Brandon, I'll shoot you first and then kill myself.
Tonight's Jolly Specials on the chalkboard I so lovingly scrawl every happy-hour:
Yesterday's Soup: Post New Year's Vomit
Potato Special: Thank fucking god we don't do these anymore
Potato Flatbread Special: I don't give a shit and usually don't have room to write this one anyway
Entree: fishies with brocollini--some combiniation of these things every fucking day
Dessert: Sir Wally of Sugarland--go fuck yourself. No one wants to eat something called Winterfruit Fantasia and most people eating at the restaurant don't know what a Semi-Fredo is.
Drink Special: Bloody Brie & Brandon
Jolly Caterpillar. Grouchy Toad. Whatever you want to call it. It's eating me alive!
I don't have a day off in the foreseeable future. Except I'm trying to get next Sunday off because I'm doing a cover shoot for Pulse Magazine--oonce-oonce--'the beat of naples'. Not too cool but people here will find it amusing. better than nothing (I'm not getting paid though and it doesn't come out till March).
Laura is a cunt. I absolutely love her and she makes hostessing bearable. Molly is new and I just want to fire her. She sucks and is uesless. Phil already got fired. Brandon-oh Brandon- I now have a crush on you. I think it's my way of adapting to the Jolly Cricket, crushing to get by and pass the time.
New Years wasn't too bad though. Annie came with her fam and they were buying me drinks all night that I sipped at their table. It was a Jolly good time.
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