Adios, always

I was working on re-designing our company logo on Thursday night at Andrew's when I received a Facebook chat from someone I never expected to hear from again. And I can't sum up what this person used to mean to me in a brief way. Yes, he was one of my best friends, we slept together one night, and I never heard from him again. But that doesn't really capture what went on. There was always this weird thing between us, somewhere between mutual respect and mutual attraction, but we never acted on it until that night we slept together. We used to drunk dial each other all the time; I got to know about his friends and he learned about mine through our vicarious experiences. And after we slept together, there was nothing. No texts, no e-mails, no phone calls. I drunk dialed him from Dallas one OU weekend because I ran into his ex-girlfriend, who I'm pretty sure hated me. I told him everything I ever wanted to say to him, and when I looked at my phone, we had been disconnected. Maybe he hung up, I'm not sure. But that was the end of it for me.

It might seem like I've been thinking about this guy constantly, but I haven't. Really. I think about a year and a half ago, after I wrote something to chronicle the evolution of our friendship, I just let go of all my hangups related to this guy.

I don't know if the concept of always can exist anymore-- for me, at least. Because I used to believe I would always feel like I had just been punched in the stomach if I thought of him, that I'd always have feelings for him. Not just him, but with others, too. And on Thursday, as we had a conversation that came two and a half years too late, I realized that I wasn't this tangled mess of a person. Talking to him didn't undo me. We were just two people who used to know each other, once. And with any other guys I thought I would care about forever, eventually, we'll one day be strangers, wondering what we ever had in common. Forgetting the inside jokes and shared experiences that made us so crazy about each other.

And so, with one Facebook conversation, I gave up my belief in always.

A Letter in the Mail

[The following is a letter my mom got in the mail today on Mother's day. We also received a package for Adriana. Neither had a return address, but were postmarked from Oregon.]


5 May 2010

Dear Kristi,

Cindy and I are writing to you as Adriana's friends to apologize for not introducing ourselves to you. I am a little concerned that it might be making you uncomfortable for Adriana to be receiving gifts from two people who you have never met. I hope to eliminate any possible concern.

There is so much that I would love to tell you about how we came to know Adriana, and about how she helps me with my spiritual work. The matter is all entwined with some quite unconventional reality. It has been an amazing and lovely process for Cindy and myself. While we have never met Adriana in her physical body, we feel like we know her quite well, and our introduction started when I was guided to your book.

We are not intentionally being remote, or mysterious. I have asked Adriana twice, in the last two years, if I might send you a letter to explain a little about who we are, about the healing work that we do, and about our connection to Adriana. So far, Adriana is apparently still 'thinking about it.' I have the sense that she might still have a preference to keep her 'two lives' separate, and I feel that I must respect her preference.

Adriana is one of the greatest joys of my life. She speaks very lovingly of you. It is our great blessing to know her. I look forward to that possible day when we can all meet as dear friends.

In the meantime, I hope you will not mind too much if I send er a small gift once in a while.

Kindest regards,

John

a bill

I watch Susan Boyle's audition on Britain's Got Talent over and over so I can cry.

I love it. The feeling I get from watching this frumpy old woman sing in such a way that I finally understand why standing ovations have been defined is simply sublime. Her face, her body, her everything is so awkward until she gives herself the permission to bellow. A permission that I am still shaking hands with.

I think I like this sweet nineteen year old hippie. He is beautiful. He is fun. And of course I can't look him in the eyes. Every time I even try I dart my eyes so far away I'm scared they are going to get stuck behind my eyeballs. Goodness, I feel like the nineteen year old. We have hung out the past two nights and tonight I could not tell if he was hinting to hang out or not, but I needed a night on my own...

He read to me last night as I fell asleep in his bed. That is as far as we got. I am the ultimate sex freak turned ultimate prude. I love it. It's amazing how much my mood can change my character. I would feel bad for anyone who does not understand that about me, but at the same time I hope it at least entertains them.

My mom told the waiters they could not drink at Indika anymore because they have the sloppy tendency to booze themselves up silly! Of course, they were angry. My mom said that any alcoholic beverage that goes out means a ticket must be printed. Of course, they were even angrier. - Not to mention, that any of them even has the respect to think about who actually pays for their silly habits. - I order a glass of wine. And voila - I got a bill at my own restaurant.

I got a bill at my own restaurant.

The shock of seeing a bill in front of me took twelve hours to truly sink in. I feel like i finally understand what shock truly means.I finally get it.

I can't remember...

...the last time I was this happy.

I'm heading to grad school in September at the University of Chicago-- equal parts terror and thrill. This summer will be devoted to work (2x) and the Paramount's summer classic film series, a wonder in itself. I've started dating this one kid, Andrew, who makes me incomprehensibly joyful. And he makes me feel so good about myself, something I haven't experienced in a long time. We're going to keep it going for as long as we can, even after he leaves for a summer internship in DC and I leave for Chicago; I really don't want to let this go.

And fuck, I'm about a month behind in my classes and STILL haven't ordered my graduation announcements or cap and gown. But fuck it all, to hell with it. I'm a motherfucker with a shit-eating grin on my face, and it's an attainable perfection.

I've wondered what you guys have been up to-- it seems like I've just been here in this state of other-worldly bliss and contentment, waiting to share it with all of you.

a few QUOTES!!!!!! from "Self-Reliance" by Ralph Waldo Emerson

" In every work of genius we recongize our own rejected throughts: they come back to us with  certain alienated majesty."

"A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver."

"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world."

"A man is to carry himself in the presence of all opposition as if everything were titular and ephermeral but he."

"[...] truth is handsomer than the affection of love."

"With consistency a great soul has smply nothing to do. [...] To be great is to be misunderstood."

"We lie in the lap of immense intelligence, which makes us receivers of its truth and organs of its activity."

"Every man discriminates between the voluntary acts of his mind and his involuntary perceptions, and knows that to his involuntary perceptions a perfect faith is due. He may err in the expression of them, but he knows that these things are so, like day and night, not to be disputed."

"Whenever a mind is simple, and recieves a divine wisdom, old things pass away,--means, teachers, texts, temples fall; it lives now and absorbs past and future into the present hour."

"But your isolation must not be mechanical, but spiritual, that is, must be elevation. A times the whole world seems to be in conspiracy to importune you with emphatic trifles. Friends, client, child, sickness, fear, want, charity, all knock at once at thy closet door and say,--"Come out unto us." But keep thy state; come not into their confusion."

"We are afraidof truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other."

"Our minds travel when our bodies are forced to stay at home.We imitate; and what is imitation but the travelling of the mind?"

"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself."

English Essay on Self Reliance

I definitely have my own thoughts, but they aren’t particularly new or unique. It’s as if all the thought’s I can’t seem to articulate, someone has already eloquently, poetically, or succinctly expressed. Ralph Waldo Emerson is one of those people. Coincidentally, after completing this first paragraph, I rediscovered the following quote in “Self Reliance:”


“Else, to-morrow a stranger will say with masterly good sense precisely what we have thought and felt all the time […]” (McQuade 538).

Emerson’s writing sometimes invokes thoughts that are completely new to me, while at other times, (like now,) he says exactly what I’ve already been thinking about but struggle to complete. What’s phenomenal though, is that I relate to what he is saying so much; it’s as if I’ve joined some exclusive “thought-club” that transcends time or space. Emerson, of coarse, already knew this too.

“We lie in the lap of immense intelligence, which makes us receivers of its truth and organs of its activity.” (McQuade 545).

Here, he is acknowledging this idea that we, as people, are all a part of something much greater, this “immense intelligence,” which supplies us with everything we need to do our part. This larger thing could also be a nation, such as this one, that Americans were just beginning to understand after the Revolutionary War in the mid-nineteenth century.

At this time, the people had just achieved political independence, but were still, on many levels, culturally and intellectually dependent on Europe. This discrepancy between being recognized as a nation and actually being a nation caused Americans to have a profound and heightened desire for identity. Transcendentalism emerged from this desire for identity and in protest to the social and religious climate (Reuben). In a letter to President Martin Van Buren on the removal of Cherokee Indians, Ralph Waldo Emerson sought to appeal to the president through this lack of national identity. Emerson argued that if Van Buren sanctified Cherokee removal, “ […] the name of this nation, hitherto the sweet omen of religion and liberty, will stink to the world.” At such a critical time in the nation’s history, this decision of Cherokee removal would have a much greater magnitude beyond this group of people and their parcel of land; it had the potential to create a (shameful) national identity.

Similarly, one of the main themes within Transcendentalism dealt with the scale and plurality of an idea; that what is true for an individual is true for multiple individuals or a group of them.

“To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart, is true for all men, —that is genius.” (McQuade 538).

Applying this concept of plurality, Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay “Self Reliance” speaks about an individual’s ”self-reliance” and that of a nation’s. So with this idea, on the larger scale of the United States, Emerson was saying that the country had everything (“immense intelligence”) –land, resources, labor, will power, and ability—to build a self-reliant nation.

………………………………………………………………

It’s difficult to describe the sheer level of optimism and energy inherent in “Self Reliance.” Each sentence is like a seed, packed with this magnificent potential, far exceeding its parts or even the sum of its parts. Likewise, this idea of potential applies to “Self Reliance” in its entirety. When you read the words, a garden explodes to life in your head. Plants take root subconsciously and flowers open up before you, fruits ripen when you’re hungry. And when you explore, see, smell, and feel this garden, you awaken your sense of Self. Your spirit and ego dance.

“Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world.” (McQuade 540).

The world will support you when you trust yourself. Not in the sense that it will be there when you fall or stumble or need it, but in a much greater sense. Things will come together and start happening externally that will not merely justify—but amplify—your initial trust in your own prerogatives.

“Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.” (McQuade 539).

Easter with Family in Park