...so what's next?

so that question pretty much has been my life lately. and i think it defines all of our lives though.

Aj--are you going to Houston fo sho next semester?

Al--what's your poa? The invite to come hur is still open...but, as the question suggests, i don't know what the fuck i'm doing either or what's my next move.

I still have yet to hear back from Code and Fusion in New York about whether they want me or not. David Bosman from Boss had replied to me last week (and I wrote back last night) saying he had talked to Sarah Doukas from Storm (a London agency--Sarah is the one who discovered Kate Moss) about photos of me from a shoot in New York he talked to me about setting up. Things look up, but everything always seems to fall apart. If I don't hear back by Wednesday, I'm going to call them all up and find out where I stand...I hope I don't have to though!

This question was also floating around last night with Aaron. I haven't posted anything about him, but I ran into him last Sunday night and have seen him every day since. He dated Annie in high school long distance for a little over a year, but I don't know. Basically, we just clicked. It was shockingly easy, refreshing, and comfortable with him. We have the same ideas and logic about relationships and, simply put, wanted to spend all the time we had together because we don't know if everything will ever line up again.

But last night we got to the '...so what's next?' question. The answer we pretty much settled on was 'lets see.' I fell asleep numerous times during the conversation. I did that thing I do where I fall asleep while talking. x5. haha. I think I will always be happy to hear from him regardless of who else I may be with or what happens next. It's been fun and magic and cutesy and sexy and utterly what I needed after Logan and Cory. Someone that shamelessly adored me but didn't cling one bit.

Other than Aaron, hostessing and work drama has been dominating my life. Philbert is too much to handle (my dramatic black gay co-host dating a confused, desperate, hot bisexual waiter at the restaurant).My other friends came back in town so I saw Chessie a lot which was fun. Alex Detrano and I bonded quite a bit, still absolutely adore him.

I volunteered at the garden yesterday which was nice. It's weird because the restaurant I work at is going to start buying from the Garden, so the guys in charge of the garden were eating with the Chef the other day and I chatted with them. So now the Chef definitely knows who I am and is super excited to go to the garden 'open house' Saturday with me and talked about this and that. It's like I'm on board and his mascot for the Jolly Cricket (the restaurant) but my interest and efforts were completely independent of the place. The owners also now know exactly who I am and met my sister. It's a small, small world here in Naples. Somehow, against all odds though, I continue to meet new people. It blows my mind that I don't know them all already. haha.

I think I'm going to run out to B&N and snuggle up with Omnivores Dilemma. I lost it, so I'll be reading in-store till closing :)

Love you BOTH! it feels crazy good to feel like i'm talking to 2 of you.

Hi.

I love you both so much.

I have a lengthy draft of word vomit saved for this blog in response to all the harsh (yes harsh, whether true or not) words sent my way, but I haven't been able to say anything that I wanted to post and I'm just tired of not saying anything on here.

So -

Why I haven't posted yet:

I feel like the only thing going on in my life is some struggle to figure out whats going on between me and a BOY. And while I allow this to consume my energy, I still believe its lame. So I haven't wanted to talk about it. I didn't want that pitifulness immortalized in words.

So here are some short updates.

I said fuck you to Jeff, which is apparently a BIG no-no. (oops.) I was angry. To him this means - i don't care about and totally disrespect you - I don't feel that way, but ever since then he's been incredibly distant. Sometimes I don't know how I genuinely do not realize or think about the things I'm saying or doing, and their potential to be hurtful. I still live in my own little bubble.

I have a crush on Andrei. (who saw that coming? I didn't.)

I am graduating this weekend. (Sat. the 5th) before exams. fuck you UT. I can't even be excited about graduating. thanks.

I still work at manju's and need to find something else.

I showed you (Sabrina) off to my family who was asking about you this Thanksgiving. They loved your photos and hope you are doing well.

This Thanksgiving marks the day that I realized I not only like Guiness, but it also shot to the top of the list of my favorite beers.

Mary Jane and I are on good terms again.

Chris found Lily-Pod in our couch. Send me your address so she can play beautiful music in your ears? Oh and its full, can I perhaps delete some things and put some music on there for ya?

Sabrina I am sorry you haven't felt my eyes on your words. For a while I was reading this blog every day and I was quite up to date on everything that had been posted.

I love that you love food. Not enough people appreciate food. You are not a hippo. Hippo's don't love and admire food, they just eat. When was the last time you had some nasty fast food burger from some corporate "restaurant" and thought it was delicious? You are a gem.

You are proof that women can be slender and beautiful and normal; they can have a love affair with food. They can take fat pictures of themselves and share them with the world because people are not what we eat, or what we look like, the things we say- we are so much more than that. You are a girl (a woman), who I have no doubt in my mind will be successful in everything that you aspire to.

Show the world that our fucked up and sick stereotypes don't have to exist. The world needs strong spirited people to share a spirit with. When did everyone start hating themselves so much? When did we decide that everyone else's opinion matters so much that we forget our own, that we hide it in shame? Bring back the healthy model. The model who loves her body, her mind and soul and wont disrespect those things for fame. -ohgod now i'm ranting.

Its raining outside. Its cold. I have a paper to revise. I have a room to clean. I have a mind to sweep. I have a soul to shape, a place to take, a city to shake, a life to make. Please (alana) let me be.

Hippo-in-disguise Caught Red Handed

From a true Hippo to a Hippo-in-disguise:

I forbid you to costume yourself as a Hippo!
I must say, it is quite unfair to a true Hippo.

A true Hippo, as myself, has a little love on her tummy.
A little sweetness that the button on her pants tries its absolute best to contain.
A little cushion when her chins have kids!

From a true Hippo to a Hippo-in-disguise:

Rip off your costume for my sake and yours!
Stop parading around like a Hippo you fool!
For, if I remember correctly, you were a model – not a Hippo!

Start acting like one.

From a true Hippo to a Hippo-in-disguise:

Food is the love of your life.
Kiss its feet and wave good-bye.
For sometimes the hardest thing to do is understand when lovers need to separate.

Separation does not equal forever.
Tell Food, “I love you, and will see you soon, when I am a Hippo!”

From a true Hippo to a Hippo-in-disguise:

My fat Hippo heart hurts to know a Tape Measure has become your new love.
The Camera is your new love,
A Tape Measures is only good for sex.

From a true Hippo to a Hippo-in-disguise:

Truth be told my dearest masquerading Hippo –
You are either a Hippo or a Model.
Rock it.

blue cheese crumbles

i made coconut macaroons and tried to dip them in white chocolate but, somehow, burnt the white chocolate so it was chocolate colored. twice. i don't know how i missed the melting phase. the problem was that the burnt crispy white and brown chocolate was discerningly delicious. i dumped it in the compost and kept picking it back out. i ate too much white chocolate. and with the 2nd batch, i just sprinkled it on and around the macaroons like crumbled blue cheese.

this entire post was z- and eph- less.

Ajna I Want You

.

baby, sweetie, hun, hottie, babycakes, cutie, cutiepie, pumpkin, sexy, darling, love.

Hippo goes to IHOP

I was going to Paddy Murphy's last night to face the music. People are in town so I was going to meet them. I drank half a bottle of wine and had a sleepover with Ms. Chessie before I had work in the morning yesterday. I was going out again yesterday night.

Mom told me that she didn't want me drinking much. I assumed it was because she didn't want me to drink and drive. No mom, I'm not, obviously. I stayed at Chessie's yesterday precisely because I didn't want to drive.

No Brie, that wasn't Mom's concern. She didn't want me to put on five pounds, so to speak. Because then New York would change her mind on me. She would look the other way and scoff at my fat ass. My hips are still teetering the fine line between acceptable-tall model and hippopotamus.

But I think it is all in our heads. My weight was not an issue to anyone. My 35 inch hips (which magically measured at 35" with the NY's measuring tapes to 1129ShadyRestLn's honest measurement of 36"!)

It's a fine line. Mom cares enough to pull out her sharpy and make it into a fat line. I have to trust my own ability and self control to keep hippo out. Not Mom's paranoia. It's a scary fixation.




This morning Mom asked me to join her at IHOP because she was craving the pumpkin pancakes with caramel and whipped cream. We shared an order. Hm.


I've had better pancakes. These were not the pancakes she remembers and didn't shut up about. The International House of Pancakes, Naples, Florida is not on par with the one in Tampa I suppose.

Spotlights being Flooded in Darkness

OH I want to bite my mother-fucking family in the ASS.

My mother and I went to pick up my brother from the airport. She had been driving all day so I decided to drive – also, I know she has trouble seeing at night, and she had a glass of wine – and truth be told, I did not get my tolerance from her.

I asked her to watch the signs for me because One – I am driving the Beamer and Two – I don’t know where the hell I am going. The day I remember the way to the airport will be a miracle not only for me, but everyone who has to deal with me on the road.

Anyways, she can be so sweet sometimes, she chatted the whole way while all I was trying to do was hold my tears – why? Why did I want to cry? I don’t fucking know, but that most definitely did not help the whole driving an expensive vehicle late at night thing.

We circle and circle until we can finally pick up my brother – go figure, day before Thanksgiving – apparently ALL Houstonians decide to fly in the night before. I’m so excited to be reunited with my family – talking and chatting – missing the exit. UGH. So my mom and brother tell me to take the other one.

Long Story Short – we all got Lost. Automatically, my mom calls her young lover for directions, while stealing the spotlight from her son who for only a moment had the chance to be the man of the family.

She steals his spotlight.
He is in the dark pretending he can see.
I am trying not to cry – again. God Ajna.
Then we FIGHT. Fight. FIGHT. Fight. FIGHT. Fight.

Result: Spotlight Stealer and Darkness Boy decided to blame the whole fiasco on Water Works.

Result of Result: Water Works goes full throttle. Eyes, nose, mouth - all three.
Tears, Snot, and FUCK YOU.

My mother asked me if I am manic-depressant.

Why yes Mother, I am.