ahhhhhhhhhhh.
one more application.
I am SO close.
Next to do: Monologues.
I must learn these monologues like they are extensions of my tongue.
How exciting!
Oh how my tongue will hopefully lick the auditioners,
Tickling them with my saliva,
Moving them into feeling
Me.
I don't want to be scared of what I want.
I want to have so much love and vulnerability in me
That I can paint my auditioners a story.
I want to paint with my voice and my saliva.
I am going to Austin for New Year's.
Usually as extravagant as my New Year's is at the restaurant,
It never fails to end with a kiss from my dad
On my forehead,
A kiss from my mom,
On my cheek,
A kiss from Rusty,
On my other cheek.
I wouldn't mind some actual ass this year.
love love love Love you dragon sistas.
have a splendid new year's.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
application before audition
I got so wrapped up in monologue and plays that I temporarily erased the whole “apply to the school” thing. Ha. I have spent the two days manically putting together my applications. I forgot how stressful it is. Online application. Transcripts. Letter of recommendations. Personal Statement. Resume. Blah blah blah blah
I sat in the same place on my bed and would not let myself get up until I finished. I am pretty much done except for one, which I am “forgetting” about till tomorrow. I am sort of freaking out because I asked Joyce and Steve Ross to write me recommendations and emailed them eleven days ago – still no answer. My mom said that maybe they are just taking a break and that I should wait till the new year. BITE ME. I want to go to drama school! And I need need need a recommendation!!!! I have a letter for each of them explaining where I want to apply and why and what the recommendation has asked to include and then posted envelopes – I just need their address. Their letters keep staring at me!
California emailed and called. At least my summer-saulting came to a halt. I sent him a birthday gift – yea – me, I hate it when I’m nice. He thanked me. He told me how stressed he is and how he might be considering coming back to school here. I told him to think it through and that I know everyone would love to have him back, but it should be a decision that he really puts a lot of thought and feel into. And yes, I am dying to see him. But of course – pussy that I am – I decide not to say YES COME BACK BECAUSE I MISS YOU.
The whole time I was on the phone with him I wanted to tell him how insane my mind feels with these monologues and how excited and scared I am to apply to these schools. I’m such a novice that hopefully my ignorance will only be a blessing in this application process, but it is so emotional that I’m so thankful for my mom being with me. I could not seem to tell him, cause I can’t seem to break down emotionally with him. I mean I know we are not together or whatever, I like it better this way, but I crave him immensely – but I just know, that whatever emotions are in my mind he cannot handle. Or he cannot help me with. Or at least yet.
It makes me wonder. What do people do when they are in this part of their life? When you want something badly – you are working towards it – you are all for it – and it is somewhat lonely. But, the sick part is you love the loneliness because you can think about and work towards what you want in your life. For once, you don’t have to entertain fake moments of happiness and you can do what you want. It is just weird. Just weird. I’m not complaining. I just want to scream out to all the schools TEACH ME THE ART OF EXPRESSION BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY LANGUAGE I CAN UNDERSTAND.
I sat in the same place on my bed and would not let myself get up until I finished. I am pretty much done except for one, which I am “forgetting” about till tomorrow. I am sort of freaking out because I asked Joyce and Steve Ross to write me recommendations and emailed them eleven days ago – still no answer. My mom said that maybe they are just taking a break and that I should wait till the new year. BITE ME. I want to go to drama school! And I need need need a recommendation!!!! I have a letter for each of them explaining where I want to apply and why and what the recommendation has asked to include and then posted envelopes – I just need their address. Their letters keep staring at me!
California emailed and called. At least my summer-saulting came to a halt. I sent him a birthday gift – yea – me, I hate it when I’m nice. He thanked me. He told me how stressed he is and how he might be considering coming back to school here. I told him to think it through and that I know everyone would love to have him back, but it should be a decision that he really puts a lot of thought and feel into. And yes, I am dying to see him. But of course – pussy that I am – I decide not to say YES COME BACK BECAUSE I MISS YOU.
The whole time I was on the phone with him I wanted to tell him how insane my mind feels with these monologues and how excited and scared I am to apply to these schools. I’m such a novice that hopefully my ignorance will only be a blessing in this application process, but it is so emotional that I’m so thankful for my mom being with me. I could not seem to tell him, cause I can’t seem to break down emotionally with him. I mean I know we are not together or whatever, I like it better this way, but I crave him immensely – but I just know, that whatever emotions are in my mind he cannot handle. Or he cannot help me with. Or at least yet.
It makes me wonder. What do people do when they are in this part of their life? When you want something badly – you are working towards it – you are all for it – and it is somewhat lonely. But, the sick part is you love the loneliness because you can think about and work towards what you want in your life. For once, you don’t have to entertain fake moments of happiness and you can do what you want. It is just weird. Just weird. I’m not complaining. I just want to scream out to all the schools TEACH ME THE ART OF EXPRESSION BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY LANGUAGE I CAN UNDERSTAND.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
nothin really
hm. hm. hm. i have my heart set on staying in tonight. maybe going to B&N to browse books. maybe renting a movie (doubtful unless someone else's home is involved). but i'm stuck in a naples bubble of south street reggae and paddy's--and it's making me cringe a little. a lot.
it's chilly outside. the spider web has been back up. the kitchen is mostly clean, but not completely. i found myself starting this post with absolutely nothing to say. i'm in pjs. i'm a lil' turd. i think i'm going to read myself into a nap. kick salad out of my luscious bed and curl up in me covers and her fur coat, left all over my covers.
it's chilly outside. the spider web has been back up. the kitchen is mostly clean, but not completely. i found myself starting this post with absolutely nothing to say. i'm in pjs. i'm a lil' turd. i think i'm going to read myself into a nap. kick salad out of my luscious bed and curl up in me covers and her fur coat, left all over my covers.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Play Moments
EVERY YEAR HUNDREDS OF CHILDREN ARE CRUSEHD BENEATH THE WHEELS OF UNWARY DRIVERS IN THEIR OWN DRIVEWAYS. CHILDREN DEPEND ON YOU TO WATCH THEM. – Paula Vogel, How I Learned to Drive.
“Oh, I’m sorry I mentioned it. Only it seems to me that once in your life before you die, you ought to see a country where they don’t talk English and don’t even want to.”- Thorton Wilder, Our Town
"Sir, I love you more than worlds weild the matter,
Dearer than eyesight, space, and liberty,
Beyond what can be valued, rich and rare,
No less than life with grace, health, beauty, honor,
As much as child e'er loved,
A love that makes breath poor and speech unable.
Beyond all manner of so much I love you."
- Shakespeare, King Lear
"A girl with her skirt up can outrun a Man with his pants down." - Paula Vogel, How I learned to Drive
"Rude am I in my speech,
And little blessed with the soft phrase of peace."
- Shakespeare, Othello
“Oh, I’m sorry I mentioned it. Only it seems to me that once in your life before you die, you ought to see a country where they don’t talk English and don’t even want to.”- Thorton Wilder, Our Town
"Sir, I love you more than worlds weild the matter,
Dearer than eyesight, space, and liberty,
Beyond what can be valued, rich and rare,
No less than life with grace, health, beauty, honor,
As much as child e'er loved,
A love that makes breath poor and speech unable.
Beyond all manner of so much I love you."
- Shakespeare, King Lear
"A girl with her skirt up can outrun a Man with his pants down." - Paula Vogel, How I learned to Drive
"Rude am I in my speech,
And little blessed with the soft phrase of peace."
- Shakespeare, Othello
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas
Ajna. I am an extension of you. I am searching wildly through Atlas Shrugged and starting to scour Tennessee Williams (the author of the play my mom did, This Property is Condemned) for girl monologues. The problem with doing that is they aren't really online, so you do need to rock a bookstore. But I think that (in googling the play and him) that you'll find something. I just have a feeling about that. Something I didn't realize about Atlas Shrugged or the Fountainhead (until now when I'm really looking) is that the women, Dagny and Dominique respectively, do not have soliloquies. Every other character rants and raves about selfishness for pages at a time and these women do not. They say a few words and then Rand explodes with describing silences and looks and expressions and explanations for their lack of words. Which works for you, since that is how you are, as a person, but for what you need...not as much. I'm writing one part that I think you'd like...not so sure about/expecting it to work for your class.
Atlas Shrugged page 812 in Chapter 11 Utopia of Greed:
"She felt, not the words she had then addressed to the city, but that untranslated sensation from which the words had come: You, whom I have always loved and never found, you whom I expected to see at the end of the rails beyond the horizon--
Aloud she said, 'I want you to know this. I started my life with a single absolute: that the world was mine to shape in the image of my highest values and never to be given up to a lesser standard, no matter how long or hard the struggle'--you whose presence I had always felt in the streets of the city, the wordless voice within her was saying, and whose world I had wanted to build--'Now I know that I was fighting for this valley'--it is my love for you that kept me moving--It was this valley that I saw as possible and would exchange for nothing less and would not give up to a mindless evil'--my love and my hope to reach you and my wish to be worthy of you on the day when I would stand before you face to face--'I am going back to fight this valley--to release it from its underground, to regain for it its full and rightful realm, to let the earth belong to you in fact, as it does in spirit--and to meet you again on the day when I'm able to deliver to you the whole of the world--or, if I fail, to remain in exile from this valley to the end of my life'--but what is left of my life will still be yours and I will go on in your name, even though it is a name I'm never to pronounce, I will go on serving you, even though I'm never to win, I will go on, to be worthy of you on the day when I would have met you, even though I won't--'I will fight for it, even if I have to fight against you, even if you damn me as a traitor. . . even if I am never to see you again."
ok. aj, i'm going crazy. i'm going to bed. i've thought about meeting stan. and thought about not doing so. i'm going with the 2nd one. my bed is to louscious to give up. love you. merry christmas. keep me posted on the hunt.
Atlas Shrugged page 812 in Chapter 11 Utopia of Greed:
"She felt, not the words she had then addressed to the city, but that untranslated sensation from which the words had come: You, whom I have always loved and never found, you whom I expected to see at the end of the rails beyond the horizon--
Aloud she said, 'I want you to know this. I started my life with a single absolute: that the world was mine to shape in the image of my highest values and never to be given up to a lesser standard, no matter how long or hard the struggle'--you whose presence I had always felt in the streets of the city, the wordless voice within her was saying, and whose world I had wanted to build--'Now I know that I was fighting for this valley'--it is my love for you that kept me moving--It was this valley that I saw as possible and would exchange for nothing less and would not give up to a mindless evil'--my love and my hope to reach you and my wish to be worthy of you on the day when I would stand before you face to face--'I am going back to fight this valley--to release it from its underground, to regain for it its full and rightful realm, to let the earth belong to you in fact, as it does in spirit--and to meet you again on the day when I'm able to deliver to you the whole of the world--or, if I fail, to remain in exile from this valley to the end of my life'--but what is left of my life will still be yours and I will go on in your name, even though it is a name I'm never to pronounce, I will go on serving you, even though I'm never to win, I will go on, to be worthy of you on the day when I would have met you, even though I won't--'I will fight for it, even if I have to fight against you, even if you damn me as a traitor. . . even if I am never to see you again."
ok. aj, i'm going crazy. i'm going to bed. i've thought about meeting stan. and thought about not doing so. i'm going with the 2nd one. my bed is to louscious to give up. love you. merry christmas. keep me posted on the hunt.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
The Golden State
The bus told me that dragons should come to the Lone Star capital,
---- Busboy told me that I should come to Austin.
On the eve of the beginning of the decade.
-----On New Year’s Eve 2010.
The bus said that dragons and buses would collide
-----He said that we would kiss.
Creating fireworks.
----He said the kiss would create fireworks.
Kabooom kabooom he said.
----He said they would sound like kaboom kaboom.
Bus doors and Fire-filled nostrils will battle.
----This is me saying I would rather battle Busboy then be in fireworks.
Beware dear sky. For fire will fill your blue.
----This is me cautioning the sky incase I say fuck it and kiss.
My metaphors are eating me up alive.
Thankyou thankyou for Macbeth!
I do not know if I am freaking out for no reason at all, but California and Texas have not spoken since California visited India. I do not know if he is still in India, I got an e-mail a week and a half ago telling me about India – but after that nothing. I texted. Asking if he has gotten back safely and got no answer. God, I’m hoping more than anything that he is being a little shit and just isn’t answering and is either at home – safe – or has extended his stay in India. If he hadn’t gone to India my mind wouldn’t be summersaulting itself nauseous. I don’t care if he does not want to talk or has too much work. I just want to know that he did not get his big mouth into any shit in a third world country. And all I do know is that if I went somewhere and did not respond to California – he would summersault himself silly. As I am.
---- Busboy told me that I should come to Austin.
On the eve of the beginning of the decade.
-----On New Year’s Eve 2010.
The bus said that dragons and buses would collide
-----He said that we would kiss.
Creating fireworks.
----He said the kiss would create fireworks.
Kabooom kabooom he said.
----He said they would sound like kaboom kaboom.
Bus doors and Fire-filled nostrils will battle.
----This is me saying I would rather battle Busboy then be in fireworks.
Beware dear sky. For fire will fill your blue.
----This is me cautioning the sky incase I say fuck it and kiss.
My metaphors are eating me up alive.
Thankyou thankyou for Macbeth!
I do not know if I am freaking out for no reason at all, but California and Texas have not spoken since California visited India. I do not know if he is still in India, I got an e-mail a week and a half ago telling me about India – but after that nothing. I texted. Asking if he has gotten back safely and got no answer. God, I’m hoping more than anything that he is being a little shit and just isn’t answering and is either at home – safe – or has extended his stay in India. If he hadn’t gone to India my mind wouldn’t be summersaulting itself nauseous. I don’t care if he does not want to talk or has too much work. I just want to know that he did not get his big mouth into any shit in a third world country. And all I do know is that if I went somewhere and did not respond to California – he would summersault himself silly. As I am.
Bus doors only open for Dragons
Here you are darling, drink me. I’m all yours.
I hope my silence.words.noise.wine. words fill your stomach as well.
I am thirsty and hungry as well.
dragons Feed Me.
I have turned my head upside down and shook out everything I have ever learned and am by the second filing it with Shakespeare, Chekhov, Vogel, Labute, Mammet…..any thing that contains words. But, only a certain type of words. Words that can transform from ink to voice. Oh alchemy can only begin to pretend to perform this.
Yet, as an actress.
I shall.
Monologue oh Monologue,
Where are you?
I am searching deep within the web of society,
And still I cannot find you.
I am in necessity of you.
For four of you!
Two Classical – Two Contemporary
My tongue has ripped itself out of my mouth,
It refuses to return empty handed.
For my voice has no voice,
Without thou words.
Monologue(S). I am dumb.
Cure me.
Time. It takes time. Ajna.
I have read so much, it is kind of freaky.
I have talked to myself so much, it is kind of awesome.
I have clicked into acting school mode, it is kind of orgasmic.
Time. It takes time.
Busboy called me. How timing loves perfection. My frantic mind needed to smile and laugh at unimportantness, so it did, for more than hour. It enjoyed the unimportantness of buses that shut doors in your face. And then I realized that maybe it is ok that buses and dragons are friends. Maybe this unimportant ludicrous talking could amount to something simple – not every guy has to be this monumental Strawberry. The simplicity and lack of proximity makes the bus and the dragon giggle like little school kids at the sound of a honking truck.
The bus told me that dragons should come to the Lone Star capital,
On the eve of the beginning of the decade.
The bus said that dragons and buses would collide
Creating firewords.
Kabooom kabooom he said.
Bus doors and Fire-filled nostrils will battle.
Beware dear sky. For fire will fill your blue.
I love you for inhaling my words of FLW.
I know it was intense. I swear my fingers shocked its fellow keyboard at moments.
Although – it was heavily alluded to his writings, so it must have been hard to follow I LOVE that you still did. The more eyes on my words only gives them more power to morph into a voice.
love you both.
beaucoup. beaucoup.
I hope my silence.words.noise.wine. words fill your stomach as well.
I am thirsty and hungry as well.
dragons Feed Me.
I have turned my head upside down and shook out everything I have ever learned and am by the second filing it with Shakespeare, Chekhov, Vogel, Labute, Mammet…..any thing that contains words. But, only a certain type of words. Words that can transform from ink to voice. Oh alchemy can only begin to pretend to perform this.
Yet, as an actress.
I shall.
Monologue oh Monologue,
Where are you?
I am searching deep within the web of society,
And still I cannot find you.
I am in necessity of you.
For four of you!
Two Classical – Two Contemporary
My tongue has ripped itself out of my mouth,
It refuses to return empty handed.
For my voice has no voice,
Without thou words.
Monologue(S). I am dumb.
Cure me.
Time. It takes time. Ajna.
I have read so much, it is kind of freaky.
I have talked to myself so much, it is kind of awesome.
I have clicked into acting school mode, it is kind of orgasmic.
Time. It takes time.
Busboy called me. How timing loves perfection. My frantic mind needed to smile and laugh at unimportantness, so it did, for more than hour. It enjoyed the unimportantness of buses that shut doors in your face. And then I realized that maybe it is ok that buses and dragons are friends. Maybe this unimportant ludicrous talking could amount to something simple – not every guy has to be this monumental Strawberry. The simplicity and lack of proximity makes the bus and the dragon giggle like little school kids at the sound of a honking truck.
The bus told me that dragons should come to the Lone Star capital,
On the eve of the beginning of the decade.
The bus said that dragons and buses would collide
Creating firewords.
Kabooom kabooom he said.
Bus doors and Fire-filled nostrils will battle.
Beware dear sky. For fire will fill your blue.
I love you for inhaling my words of FLW.
I know it was intense. I swear my fingers shocked its fellow keyboard at moments.
Although – it was heavily alluded to his writings, so it must have been hard to follow I LOVE that you still did. The more eyes on my words only gives them more power to morph into a voice.
love you both.
beaucoup. beaucoup.
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