I bombed the scene. It was a scene for a UT directing film class - basically I did not have the glory role and I basically got "shy" is what Kevin said. UGHHHHHHH. I am so frustrated/sad/annoyed/confused! This is what I want to do with my life and I just made an ass of myself. Amazing. Simply Amazing.
Then as the self-conscious destructive side of me beats me up - the positive side of me says that this is awesome because I just had an amazing opportunity: I fucked up - the class spent fifteen minutes saying how my character could become stronger. I had fifteen directing students helping me. What more lavish way could I have messed up? I should take this is as some sort of blessing and when we actually film the scene - make it better!
I wish I could think like that for long until my destructiveness keeps saying: "Yea, good fucking job Ajna. Guess what - you are a boring actress! And no one likes watching boring things. Are you delusional?"
fuck you destructiveness.
Seriously, I should take this positively and make the best of it and make a strong comeback in the filming. Kevin sugar coated all his words tonight before I chewed them, swallowed, and now throwing them up. BITE me.
I am supposed to go get coffee with Agustin right now, when I desperately need someone, but he did not answer his phone. I called my mom and freaked out and she said she does not know what to say. Well thanks Mother! (go read some parenting books for your sake and mine)
I keep hoping and believing that this is that time. That time when you're learning. You're learning the art and craft of what you love and every time you mess up you take it so personally that you don't know what to do with yourself. I keep hoping that I can look back at moments like these and see that the whole point of acting is learning yourself and experience - and how on Earth can I expect so much from myself when Architecture ticks my clock and the fact that I never truly have time to devote to this? How can I get so angry at myself? Sometimes I hope it can turn into motivation, but it most definitely does not.
Anyways, yes I'm being melodramatic and will probably be bubbly by tomorrow morning. But I seriously don't want this to keep happening to me - I want to act - nothing else. I also want to allow myself the time and space to act - I can't squish my day and expect acting to fit in it. i'm so sad.
Ajna
well i hope you are happy and bubbly now. i'm listening 'dickhead' by kate nash. she might be your music now.
ReplyDeleteAj, oZcoarse you were beating yourselZ up over it. We tend to do that with the things we care about. We over analyze everything and replay it over and over, scrutinizing every detail and systematically shred every moment down to this aweZul heaping pile oZ uselessness. and then stomp on it...but aj, i think this is one oZ those wonderZul cases that (a) you are probably already over or (b) iZ you aren't, just step back and put it into perspective. it's a small role in a small scene inZront oZ a Zew people that you don't know. And they are their to learn how to direct people...so your Zuck up is exactly what they need and crave. They didn't look at you and think, shit, that girl Zucked up...you know? They saw all the potential in you that they wanted the credit Zor pulling out. IZ you were perZect then what is there to learn in that classroom Zor them. But in the scheme oZ your acting career--liZe--??? really aj? go get a latte at medici, cringe, laugh, and enjoy the moment!