I got so wrapped up in monologue and plays that I temporarily erased the whole “apply to the school” thing. Ha. I have spent the two days manically putting together my applications. I forgot how stressful it is. Online application. Transcripts. Letter of recommendations. Personal Statement. Resume. Blah blah blah blah
I sat in the same place on my bed and would not let myself get up until I finished. I am pretty much done except for one, which I am “forgetting” about till tomorrow. I am sort of freaking out because I asked Joyce and Steve Ross to write me recommendations and emailed them eleven days ago – still no answer. My mom said that maybe they are just taking a break and that I should wait till the new year. BITE ME. I want to go to drama school! And I need need need a recommendation!!!! I have a letter for each of them explaining where I want to apply and why and what the recommendation has asked to include and then posted envelopes – I just need their address. Their letters keep staring at me!
California emailed and called. At least my summer-saulting came to a halt. I sent him a birthday gift – yea – me, I hate it when I’m nice. He thanked me. He told me how stressed he is and how he might be considering coming back to school here. I told him to think it through and that I know everyone would love to have him back, but it should be a decision that he really puts a lot of thought and feel into. And yes, I am dying to see him. But of course – pussy that I am – I decide not to say YES COME BACK BECAUSE I MISS YOU.
The whole time I was on the phone with him I wanted to tell him how insane my mind feels with these monologues and how excited and scared I am to apply to these schools. I’m such a novice that hopefully my ignorance will only be a blessing in this application process, but it is so emotional that I’m so thankful for my mom being with me. I could not seem to tell him, cause I can’t seem to break down emotionally with him. I mean I know we are not together or whatever, I like it better this way, but I crave him immensely – but I just know, that whatever emotions are in my mind he cannot handle. Or he cannot help me with. Or at least yet.
It makes me wonder. What do people do when they are in this part of their life? When you want something badly – you are working towards it – you are all for it – and it is somewhat lonely. But, the sick part is you love the loneliness because you can think about and work towards what you want in your life. For once, you don’t have to entertain fake moments of happiness and you can do what you want. It is just weird. Just weird. I’m not complaining. I just want to scream out to all the schools TEACH ME THE ART OF EXPRESSION BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY LANGUAGE I CAN UNDERSTAND.
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i am in the same place you are darling. same part of my life, a split-second (well, semester)ahead of you. I know what you're talking about!
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