Ahhhh.........I missed you!

My computer is back. It is super fast because there is nothing on it. Fresh, clean start. All memories erased. My external has my architectural heart, musical beats and the internet holds my face and form. Recovery will come naturally, day by day.

And so it goes with Brandon. Drama be to the wind. Light as feathers we are. I bought him Shantaram and Omnivore's Dilemma and a moleskine sketchbook. In it, I wrote him quotes and a letter. It said that I was sorry for not being decisive. That I was sorry I told him I couldn't be with him the other night but then kept waiting for him to convince me to stay. I was sorry that I let myself swallow his words only to throw them back up. I told him that I realized with clarity, without guilt and without self- doubt that I couldn't be with him and that I would not be with him. I told him that it isn't about fighting for the relationship nor giving up, but knowing when to let go--and we grabbed hold to quickly and too early. I told him that I had lied to myself because I wanted to believe his words--that 3 weeks was long enough for him to heal from years of abuse--and it took me 3 months to get my shit together when I moved here and that can't even compare to what he has set out to do for himself. I told him that he must have, on some level, known he was going to get fucked up when we left and needs to own it and try to discover what he is afraid of or why he wanted to sabotage himself--his recovery and our relationship. I told him that facing yourself and being honest with yourself and dealing with guilt is one of the most difficult things to do on earth--and that it is ok to have weaknesses. That he needs to accept and face the fact that he can't put himself in those situations because he might not be strong enough to handle them. yet. I told him that he can't see the trip as a royal fuck up with me on the one hand, and as a small exception to his sobriety on the other. It doesn't work like that. That his sober count needs to start over again and I will be there to support him and be excited when he reaches 3 weeks again--and then a month and then 2 and so on. I told him that he shouldn't want to be with me because if he is taking his recovery seriously, then he cannot handle a relationship and if he isn't taking it seriously, then he would hurt me again like that, and no one you love or care about should ever go through that.
I told him that I care about him so so much and that I think the world of him. That, yes, I am lucky to have you in my life and I will always probably have a crush on him.

All of this I wrote last night and didn't know when I would tell him. He texted me this morning to go to breakfast before my morning shift. I picked him up, we sipped tea, I let go. He argued defensively, I responded defenselessly. He was hurt, I was hurting.

He changed his phone number to get away from his past. He texted me at work that he read what I wrote and was sorry for being defensive and he understood what I was saying and thanked me. He came to work and we blabbed about books, giggled, smiled, he was ok. More than ok. Accepted and took it better than I ever thought possible. We are friends. No more, no less.

I hope he takes it seriously. I hope he doesn't seek out another girl or risky situations to satisfy his self doubt and undermine his goals. The last 2 days he has been back. The Brandon I looked forward to seeing at work and the one I adore.

Love you Ajna. Thank you for your strength and words of wisdom darling.