Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Me....Selfish? Really? No! (Part II)

You are wholly right darling and I apologize. So thank you for calling me out simply and openly. I needed to hear it and I appreciate that you did not lash out on me with the phone but listened (as much as possible!) to my woes and swallowed your hurt till you could express it to me in the most perfect way. I ate, slept, and breathed my own drama while you did yours. Mine was unhealthy and yours was not--and thank you for not letting my sickness creep into your mind or emotions.

I want to skype with you and hear and see whatever monologue you let me be a part of. Computer back--so I can and am desperate for it ( them?). Tell me your schedule again. I know you go to NY and Chicago and one of the schools is Yale. I filled up my universe with someone else's information and allowed your precious words to slip. I hope it is not to late to re-learn. I hope you have not left already---ahhh, I am sorry.

But I am not writing an entire apology post. You get the gist and that is not why you wrote to me. You wrote to me because you want me to be apart of your world. #3 in your beloved audience. And I too want to be there. You are inexplicably toxic. Generally, toxic may have bad connotations but I like it right now. It is not negative to me but just right. It is mysterious and dangerous and sexy and vulnerable and unforgettable forever altering someone to see and experience the world from a new perspective. Yours.

You know that is such an amazing gift you have. And you realize how beautiful it is. Others see---I was going to give some analogy but realized it wouldn't really live up to what I am saying and what you know I am saying--so I will save my analogy. You get it.

And to your email to architecture---that you find yourself thoughtlessly lying about why you are in houston---don't do that anymore. It isn't necessary. Tell the truth and set yourself up to be free, to be open to critical looks and misunderstandings and refreshing enthusiasm or encouragement or connections that would not have existed if you kept your passion locked within the precious wooden walls on Polk Street and hidden space of this blog. Be selfish. People ask why you are in houston and what happened to architecture?...You are still doing architecture. You are finishing up the requirements at HCC because you are applying to acting schools for the fall and being in Houston allows you to save money, earn money, and time to study and focus on your applications and auditions--all requirements that Austin could not fullfil. Say you took acting classes as a whim but found yourself eating, sleeping, and dreaming drama while dreading architecture. That you decided to go after your lover and you always have architecture to fall back on or turn back to if your love rests. Tell whoever that you were terrified of changing courses---because leaving such a smart, dependable, interesting, and respectable future for the cliche, whimsical idea of acting would be looked at harshly or critically or as if you are throwing your life away---but you chose to fuck it. Because life without love and passion sucks. And if you have the ability, means, freedom, and drive to go after it---why the fuck would you stay in architecture. Architecture isn't bad, it's just not you.

I have a photoshoot with an iphone in a bit. I need to pluck my stash and eyebrows and haul my shit in the car to meet my photographer and camera (the iphone) at the beach. Any instant click moments I find irresistible, I will have her send you immediately. And I'll text you to set up a skype date. I am free today, tonight. Tell me a time and I will drop plans or carefully sculpt them around our date.

bri

1 comment:

  1. You are Toxic.

    I loved this post. And it is never ever too late to jump back in my drama world! I will post my schedule soon and thankyou for your words about Houston - you are completely right and I needed to hear that. I am scared of being proud of what I'm doing haha and I'm still doing it! Thank you Thank you.

    I will keep you updated and have tonight with cabinet building and Brazilians! xoxxoo

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