Miami Beach Blues

cheessszzzy title. yum!...it was titled and didn't save and then when i tried to publish, i discovered i was logged out and...and then, when i was writing, well...

i'm sitting at a different starbucks in miami beach, the one across from whole foods. i park my car in the whole foods lot so i can see it at a particular table from inside starbucks. i'm at that table. i keep glancing up at it to make sure it's not towed, awkwardly making eye contact with the people sitting immediately on the other side of the glass, between the car and me.

I actually originally posted this with no title because in a moment of panic at seeing a tow truck on the street between people sitting on other side of me and my car, I immediately clicked "post," shut my laptop, and ran to my car. the tow truck only drove by and i safely escaped...but when i told my friend she said i was lucky because the same thing happened to her except they had put the thing on her car nd charged her $60 to unhook it all...so she had made it ontime, but not ontime enough for it to be free. phew for me!)

and then i keep turning my head back (just did it!) looking around in starbucks, while i continue typing my thoughts. i've been feeling overwhelmed and hopeless and doubtful and lost this morning. i hate that i'm here and i feel trapped or stuck. ideally i want aj to walk through the door pack up my computer for me and take me home (either to my house in naples or her house in houston) and let me curl up and cry while she makes me feel better; i want to be a fat kid and eat chocolate chocolate chocolate with no consequences on model body. i want aaron to call me, explain his disappearance for the past six months, and come to me wherever that may be. but these things won't happen, so i keep looking around starbucks, looking back at everyone for some sort of fucking comraderie. someone i can spill my guts out to that will mop them up or something weirdly fantastic like that. but looking around there is no one i want to spill too. no one that can magically become any of you girls or aaron or brandon or my mom.

however, with that thought i've now talked to two people here.

one is a random guy that looked at me and said he remembers me sitting in the exact same spot in the exact same way two weeks ago. He went on to ask me if I was, by chance, at CoCo last tuesday. I looked down and did this kind of cringe/laugh/are you serious?miami is ridiculous kind of thing--whatever that means and whatever that was--and replied that, yeah, i was there. He said he offered my friends and I drinks and asked if he could get my number to hang out. I gave him this look and sort of nodded my head back and forth and said it's not a good time and he doesn't want to hang out with me. I broke up with my boyfriend the day before yesterday and am moving out of miami the day after tomorrrow. i said i'm boring and don't like going out or drinking, and that whole night i drank water. somehow we talked a little longer and he lamented that he wish he could get a hold of me sometime so i said if he wants to hang out as friends he can have it, sure, but it's nothing exciting. I'm boring. I made sure Omar knew that.

i texted elizabeth, a girl i immediately liked and admired and got along with who quickly trusted me into her crumbling existence and false facade because she realized we are both smart, broke, and beautiful--or something like that. I don't know, I just know that she really does like me to the point of kind of collecting me like a trophy or something...or someone she needs right now in her life. which i love but at the same time i wonder why i admired/wanted to be like her. maybe it was that facade, hmmm. anyway, i texted her about the omar thing and how small miami beach is and how this guy has now seen me three times and i don't think i could recognize him if i saw him, still.

0.2 seconds later, i see her strolling by, out the window in the same peasanty beach dress she tried on yesterday in cool glasses with her ipod. We waved she came and ordered a triple shot of espresso on ice and added milk. she found it ironic, like me, that i just texted her about how small miami beach is. she said this is why she cares so much about her image and what people think about her. she works hard to be hard to get, aloof, single, a player, etc. She was on her way to Wilhelmina because Ford doesn't get her work. 

Fuck starbucks and this internet connection...i finished and titled this post, and it didn't save (somehow!) and made me sign back in.



Basically, she asked if I wanted to go to the beach with her and I had offered yesterday to drive her up to the 50s (we're at 10th) to drop off a pair of shorts she borrowed from some girl. But I'm hungry, and vaguely make plans to go to lunch with this guy who just texted me, so I made the plan. I feel like her hangover and problems mixed with my own problems isn't what I need right now.

So the light purple highlighting is today (wednesday) the regular text was original, and the dark purple highlighting was sometime inbetween. this post was a pain in the ass..like broken or popcorn poop in shades of purple.