i'm not invincible when it comes to markael. the phone tormented me yesterday. i cried in my bed. in naples, i can't use the pretty model boy or change of scenery to occupy my attention. i crave him in my life in whatever capacity i can get and it's driving me insane every stupid minute i don't hear from him telling me he's sorry for taking so long to get back to me and of coarse he wants to immediately come over or me to go to starbucks or whatever. just to be friends. i won't let myself want more because i refuse to be in any sort of on and off relationship, and he flipped it off.
fuck me.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
just the shit that happened today.
i woke up to a warning on my car that without a decal, they'd tow it and i need to immediately move it. i drove it to a nearby grocery store where i went shopping for breakfast stuff for the next few days since i'm occupying my friend Chessie's apartment in Kendall, which is in South Miami about 30 minutes from South Beach since my normal apartment fell through. I've been thankful for the escape and, although i haven't spent any money on food in the past 4 days since arriving to miami...i prefer my supermarket bargain shopping for once to an awesome free meal from an older male friend; i feel a little insecure about the dependency.
but my card was declined and i've been so fucking nervous about money anyway that that is why i've let myself be fed by my friends every meal since i got here. but i was just nervous about it, not out of it, i thought since i had put $500 in my account three days ago. i now know why it was gone and my account was $295.53 overdrafted, but this morning i didn't know what to do with myself. my mom and grandpa wired $800 into my account by now, but i'm still so freaked out about it i don't know quite what to do.
my agent called and said i'm doing a commercial tomorrow morning. cool.
i scheduled a coffee date with a reporter from the naples daily news because they want to write a special about me winning the naomi campbell thing / is it real or a scam?
i scheduled my fitting for the swim association show for this thursday.
i definitely didn't book the oscar de la renta runway show i went to the casting for today.
i scheduled a consultation about getting a breast augmentation to be a small B for friday.
chessie said her roommate didn't want me in their place anymore, so i texted my friend quinto (a 40 something photographer i crashed with my first night here) to stay at his place tonight, and rescheduled my fitting for friday after the other appointment---my plan was that after the commercial i'd drive back to naples til friday morning. i could put more money into my account, check on my dog, see Michael (Mark), and drop off my mom's car at the airport the night before she'd arrive so i don't have to get a friend to pick her up since i won't be there.
Michael dumped me over an email. it was good. it made me cry. i didn't want to go back to naples now.
i went to borders and read three cups of tea. i watched the bachelorette. i was formulating plans in my head about places to stay here til next sunday after my show but talked with chessie and she said screw her absentee roommate, she didn't like the girl anyway so she gives me permission to continue crashing and we'll if i run into her, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
fuck. i have to pee. then i'll read a little more and wake up extra early tomorrow. my call time is at 6:30, but they serve breakfast at 6. i'm going at 6, obviously.
i don't know what i'll do with all my free time in miami and i don't want to be distracted by the shit it has to offer, like alcohol and parties. but maybe i'll see ivan again and let myself relax or something instead of like last night where i kept cheeking him. He is a hot, successful model i was vaguely dating before i met michael and who i never officially cut ties with. i think he's dorky, but miami is small. people know him, and they think otherwise.
i was crazy about michael and he wrote that AMAZING story about me and him and the Sea Turtle that i won't let myself read til i don't know when.
long day. tomorrow probably will be too. i now, more than ever, want to be in new york and start over.
but my card was declined and i've been so fucking nervous about money anyway that that is why i've let myself be fed by my friends every meal since i got here. but i was just nervous about it, not out of it, i thought since i had put $500 in my account three days ago. i now know why it was gone and my account was $295.53 overdrafted, but this morning i didn't know what to do with myself. my mom and grandpa wired $800 into my account by now, but i'm still so freaked out about it i don't know quite what to do.
my agent called and said i'm doing a commercial tomorrow morning. cool.
i scheduled a coffee date with a reporter from the naples daily news because they want to write a special about me winning the naomi campbell thing / is it real or a scam?
i scheduled my fitting for the swim association show for this thursday.
i definitely didn't book the oscar de la renta runway show i went to the casting for today.
i scheduled a consultation about getting a breast augmentation to be a small B for friday.
chessie said her roommate didn't want me in their place anymore, so i texted my friend quinto (a 40 something photographer i crashed with my first night here) to stay at his place tonight, and rescheduled my fitting for friday after the other appointment---my plan was that after the commercial i'd drive back to naples til friday morning. i could put more money into my account, check on my dog, see Michael (Mark), and drop off my mom's car at the airport the night before she'd arrive so i don't have to get a friend to pick her up since i won't be there.
Michael dumped me over an email. it was good. it made me cry. i didn't want to go back to naples now.
i went to borders and read three cups of tea. i watched the bachelorette. i was formulating plans in my head about places to stay here til next sunday after my show but talked with chessie and she said screw her absentee roommate, she didn't like the girl anyway so she gives me permission to continue crashing and we'll if i run into her, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
fuck. i have to pee. then i'll read a little more and wake up extra early tomorrow. my call time is at 6:30, but they serve breakfast at 6. i'm going at 6, obviously.
i don't know what i'll do with all my free time in miami and i don't want to be distracted by the shit it has to offer, like alcohol and parties. but maybe i'll see ivan again and let myself relax or something instead of like last night where i kept cheeking him. He is a hot, successful model i was vaguely dating before i met michael and who i never officially cut ties with. i think he's dorky, but miami is small. people know him, and they think otherwise.
i was crazy about michael and he wrote that AMAZING story about me and him and the Sea Turtle that i won't let myself read til i don't know when.
long day. tomorrow probably will be too. i now, more than ever, want to be in new york and start over.
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