Dearest Bri,
I love your post. And I apologize for being so tardy in responding to it – I am in my own world and did not even realize how long it’s been – yet I re-read it and am truly delighted at your own little epiphany!
I hope all is well with you and the modeling and the food and the New York scene. I miss New York terribly, I want to run across the country and kiss it’s concrete and promise I will never leave it again. Then I want to plant myself in Momofuku and eat pork buns & noodle bowls till my button pops. And then I want to run into Stella Adler (wearing all black) and jump into the Shakespeare class and pretend I am an Adler in training. I want to run into the subway so I can listen to Glee on my ipod and read Ayn Rand and have nothing, but my own little mind to keep me satisfied on that shifting box that makes me so happy that I do not need a car. Then I want to find the perfect man, my Romeo, and fall in love. HA.
I’m in day dream land – la la la – la la la. I auditioned at schools, and now I am that neurotic devoted actress who has chained herself to my e-mail and thrown the key away so I can count the seconds till I hear from a school. I have yet to hear, but I think this is the week that they send out e-mails…..AHHHHHHH. I might pee my pants…..or I might just faint….or do both? Dear God, Ajna.
My dearest mom is opening her new restaurant: Pondicheri. Isn’t that not the cutest name? We call it “Pondi” for short. It is incredibly exciting, this opening and doing up the restaurant and all the froufrou that comes with opening your own business. Only difference is that I have decided not to be a part of helping my mom, except emotionally of course. I took a stand for myself and said I do not want to work for you or for dad. They both look at me like I’m a foolish trustfund child – but, I say why not?
It’s been quite the feat standing on my own two feet without helping with Indika or Pondicheri. I feel like “restaurants” have been my drug, like every time I helped the restaurant my parents would love me more and I would feel like I have justified my existence. Truth is that I want to act, and the more insecure I allow myself to be the more I give to the restaurant so I have a wonderful excuse to not act. Funny how the mind works, good thing I am perpetual thinker and know my own sabotage strategies. Therefore, I set up the defense and am now at home (jobless, schoolless – for the moment, friendless, everythingless except for a burning desire to step on a stage) baking Irish-style Soda bread from a cook book my mom has been dying to try so that my mom has something to eat in the morning because I am subconsciously so guilty for not being at Pondicheri helping her.
Other than all the above, Netflix has become quite the friend in need. She is always there and she always knows what I need to see and the best part is that she allows me to be needy. I can call her anytime of the day or night and she is as bright as can be. We watched Dancer in the Dark – goodness, Bjork tore my heart out and sent me into one of my world famous four hour naps. I do love you, Netflix.
I’m still training with my coach, which is going well and taking voice classes, which is going well. I’m in a limbo where I cannot really complain about my life. I think it might be time for me to go to Austin though, it always refreshes me and reminds me why I am where I am. Only thing is that I do not know if I can handle seeing all the archies just yet – despite my inferno of love for every single one of them – I might just want to cuddle with Alana and be college –y.
Ummmm….now that I have successfully rambled about pretty much nada, I think I should leave this post be and with a big KISS to B&V.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Heart Shaped Donut
Last night I had the biggest grin on my face as I walked home from the subway stop eating my heart shaped dunkin donut. It's the one in the picture with light pink frosting and heart sprinkles...and it has a white filling inside too...and it was fresh from however they are made...and it was FREE. Obviously, I was eating my heart out. I didn't think I was still drunk, but looking back, I must have been. I started out at happy hour with wine, chocolate stout beer, a salty dog, a grey dog, and saki. Oh boy. When I got home, I had a couple more nibbles of things and then curled up in bed listening to tracy chapman with my vibrator. Again, thought I was handling things sober, but looking back, and feeling the way I'm feeling now, I have a new perspective on it. Lol.
Anyway, I woke up early this morning, surprisingly early for going to bed so late (4am-bedtime; 8:30am-wakeup) and have made some observations about myself, or decisions, or something. Basically, I think that my two new friends I hang out with all the time, Christina and Holly, are probably not the best people I should be hanging around all the time. And two, I'm challenging myself to not talk about food or watch tv about food for two days. This is the only place I'm writing this or declaring it.
It isn't out of some sort of guilt from yesterday, I don't feel guilty about eating a late night donut and shouldn't. In my head it was this sort of declaration and I felt soo fucking good about it and free and liberated, like I was turning a new leaf. And I need to, I'm spending my time worrying about things a little too much and now I feel like I'm worrying about worrying haha, but the point is, I guess I'm just making an effort to step back away from my own little world of 'shoulds' and make a genuine effort to appreciate and feel good about myself.
I've been drinking more which I don't mind, but I think that it's not going to progress my modeling or school. I love holly, but she's going out more than I want to be and last night I found myself with people I don't particularly care for, which makes me a bitch....funny how that works. And then as much as i adore Christina, her own self-image is shitty and I don't think she means to at all, but she's sort of brought me down sometimes...and I'm just now realizing that. Which sucks, because I really like her, but I can't fix her lack of self esteem and it's not the healthiest thing for me.
And food. Oh, food. I'm just unsafely obsessed. It's as if all I do is put you in my mouth and then you come right back out in words. A cycle, really. And honestly I'm coming to realize that it bores people. At first it could be slightly endearing, but then I think that it just crosses the line and gets to be over the top for everyone, and it's funny how this is like an epiphany for me or something...just the idea that people might not want to hear all the juicy details of everything i've eaten and wanted to eat. ha.
ha.
Anyway, my goal isn't to skirt food all together or ignore it...that would be impossible. But i just don't need to unnecessarily elaborate on it. Just go with wherever to eat if I make a plan for dinner or lunch...no debates. And then when it comes to the menu, same thing, no scrutiny, no attempting to read every nitty gritty detail and then imagine it all and debate all the possible outcomes...just glance and go. I used to do that...i remember a time that i'd just ask if they had what i wanted without even looking at the menu. it was a non-issue. wow.
so here it is. i'm going to test run these two days and see how they go with every intention of extending them.
Anyway, I woke up early this morning, surprisingly early for going to bed so late (4am-bedtime; 8:30am-wakeup) and have made some observations about myself, or decisions, or something. Basically, I think that my two new friends I hang out with all the time, Christina and Holly, are probably not the best people I should be hanging around all the time. And two, I'm challenging myself to not talk about food or watch tv about food for two days. This is the only place I'm writing this or declaring it.
It isn't out of some sort of guilt from yesterday, I don't feel guilty about eating a late night donut and shouldn't. In my head it was this sort of declaration and I felt soo fucking good about it and free and liberated, like I was turning a new leaf. And I need to, I'm spending my time worrying about things a little too much and now I feel like I'm worrying about worrying haha, but the point is, I guess I'm just making an effort to step back away from my own little world of 'shoulds' and make a genuine effort to appreciate and feel good about myself.
I've been drinking more which I don't mind, but I think that it's not going to progress my modeling or school. I love holly, but she's going out more than I want to be and last night I found myself with people I don't particularly care for, which makes me a bitch....funny how that works. And then as much as i adore Christina, her own self-image is shitty and I don't think she means to at all, but she's sort of brought me down sometimes...and I'm just now realizing that. Which sucks, because I really like her, but I can't fix her lack of self esteem and it's not the healthiest thing for me.
And food. Oh, food. I'm just unsafely obsessed. It's as if all I do is put you in my mouth and then you come right back out in words. A cycle, really. And honestly I'm coming to realize that it bores people. At first it could be slightly endearing, but then I think that it just crosses the line and gets to be over the top for everyone, and it's funny how this is like an epiphany for me or something...just the idea that people might not want to hear all the juicy details of everything i've eaten and wanted to eat. ha.
ha.
Anyway, my goal isn't to skirt food all together or ignore it...that would be impossible. But i just don't need to unnecessarily elaborate on it. Just go with wherever to eat if I make a plan for dinner or lunch...no debates. And then when it comes to the menu, same thing, no scrutiny, no attempting to read every nitty gritty detail and then imagine it all and debate all the possible outcomes...just glance and go. I used to do that...i remember a time that i'd just ask if they had what i wanted without even looking at the menu. it was a non-issue. wow.
so here it is. i'm going to test run these two days and see how they go with every intention of extending them.