Last night I had the biggest grin on my face as I walked home from the subway stop eating my heart shaped dunkin donut. It's the one in the picture with light pink frosting and heart sprinkles...and it has a white filling inside too...and it was fresh from however they are made...and it was FREE. Obviously, I was eating my heart out. I didn't think I was still drunk, but looking back, I must have been. I started out at happy hour with wine, chocolate stout beer, a salty dog, a grey dog, and saki. Oh boy. When I got home, I had a couple more nibbles of things and then curled up in bed listening to tracy chapman with my vibrator. Again, thought I was handling things sober, but looking back, and feeling the way I'm feeling now, I have a new perspective on it. Lol.
Anyway, I woke up early this morning, surprisingly early for going to bed so late (4am-bedtime; 8:30am-wakeup) and have made some observations about myself, or decisions, or something. Basically, I think that my two new friends I hang out with all the time, Christina and Holly, are probably not the best people I should be hanging around all the time. And two, I'm challenging myself to not talk about food or watch tv about food for two days. This is the only place I'm writing this or declaring it.
It isn't out of some sort of guilt from yesterday, I don't feel guilty about eating a late night donut and shouldn't. In my head it was this sort of declaration and I felt soo fucking good about it and free and liberated, like I was turning a new leaf. And I need to, I'm spending my time worrying about things a little too much and now I feel like I'm worrying about worrying haha, but the point is, I guess I'm just making an effort to step back away from my own little world of 'shoulds' and make a genuine effort to appreciate and feel good about myself.
I've been drinking more which I don't mind, but I think that it's not going to progress my modeling or school. I love holly, but she's going out more than I want to be and last night I found myself with people I don't particularly care for, which makes me a bitch....funny how that works. And then as much as i adore Christina, her own self-image is shitty and I don't think she means to at all, but she's sort of brought me down sometimes...and I'm just now realizing that. Which sucks, because I really like her, but I can't fix her lack of self esteem and it's not the healthiest thing for me.
And food. Oh, food. I'm just unsafely obsessed. It's as if all I do is put you in my mouth and then you come right back out in words. A cycle, really. And honestly I'm coming to realize that it bores people. At first it could be slightly endearing, but then I think that it just crosses the line and gets to be over the top for everyone, and it's funny how this is like an epiphany for me or something...just the idea that people might not want to hear all the juicy details of everything i've eaten and wanted to eat. ha.
ha.
Anyway, my goal isn't to skirt food all together or ignore it...that would be impossible. But i just don't need to unnecessarily elaborate on it. Just go with wherever to eat if I make a plan for dinner or lunch...no debates. And then when it comes to the menu, same thing, no scrutiny, no attempting to read every nitty gritty detail and then imagine it all and debate all the possible outcomes...just glance and go. I used to do that...i remember a time that i'd just ask if they had what i wanted without even looking at the menu. it was a non-issue. wow.
so here it is. i'm going to test run these two days and see how they go with every intention of extending them.
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