Walking Away

I just realized, right now, that I've been attempting (somewhat subconsciously) to runaway from my problems here in New York. The first being my apartment drama, which has cooled down somewhat, but still makes me quietly want to just slip out...but I don't have that amazing downtown replacement apartment lined up yet!

The other is, I'm terrified for fashion week! Like, I'm intimidated beyond belief. That's why I've been pushing for Asia so much and wanted to leave, not because I don't want to make money, but because I'm scared I won't!

Stupid, stupid girl. I'd rather go half way around the world rather than put myself out there. THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO! NYC FASHION WEEK! FUCK ME. So this all hit me soooo hard when I couldn't sleep. I woke up yesterday and watched Valentino: The Last Emperor and went to bed watching Picture Me, a video diary/documentary by this model Sara Ziff, who was kind of a big fucking deal. She was in the circles and doing the things I wanted to be doing. And I'm scared I can't because I wasn't scouted at 12 and didn't get big when I was 18 so now, at 22, (she was 23 by the end of the documentary) I don't have 5 hardcore and 6 softcore years of modeling behind me. I have basically a year of experience and almost 23. But no one has to know. This is my first season in NY, so I'll say that. And I think I'll be 19 and pretend I'm not graduating with a degree in Architecture, if I'm so fucking worried that i'm too old for these people.

And I sent an email to my booker saying I want to go over my walk. Girls aren't born with good walks, they are taught. And big agencies bring in catwalk coaches to show them what to do, and that's how they know. So I couldn't sleep last night getting all worried that I didn't know how to walk and stayed up late watching how-to videos and stupid shit...and so this morning, i'm deciding to not be intimidated. to just practice and do everything in my power to work on what i have control over and do the best that i fucking can. i know i'll work and get booked for some stuff...and everything in this business happens like dominos.

phew, i'm glad i've finally faced the music..to myself...instead of just saying i don't care about fashion week and want to go to asia. i do care, and i want to do it and want to be good at it.