NOgasm

i'm not sure what i'm going to write, because i'm going into this without a plan, without anything i need to vent. i'm waiting for a text for a plan in an hour and a half. i may nap if i don't end up going anywhere interesting with this soon.

i must mention, i am listening to a song, Pussy Cocaine by Tiger Love. I rather like it. already got my text.

maybe the same thing that prevents me from orgasming was the same thing that prevented me from having any sort of relationship till Dustin. I don't know how to dig into my history to figure this out. does the answer really lie gracefully in my past anyway? I shared the post about frantic sex with the boy who had the frantic sex with me. this is what he wrote in response (we've had sex once after the time i wrote about):

"interesting... the funny thing is that the last time we had sex was probably my favorite. i was feeling a comfort from you. a comfort with yourself and the situation that has not always been there. i think that's a big ingredient for pleasure for both... my intuition doesn't let me enjoy situation fully unless i feel that the other person is on the same level. i have a lot or more detailed opinion on this if you're ever wanna chat. you're a great giver but are you a good receiver???? ;) thanks for sharing!"


the question he posed at the end was a no brainer to me. no. of course i'm not a good receiver. i'm terrible. i don't let go. it's weird to know that i'm holding on, but not know what i'm holding on to? is it because i'm afraid of letting go, like holding onto a cliff and falling off? what would make me afraid to orgasm, if this was the case? or is it like when you don't realize what you're doing or happening, like when i forget to breath during yoga poses or i don't realize that i'm hunching until it's corrected. and no one has walked me through the breath pattern or used their hands to position my shoulders up and back so i know what the right posture feels like. obviously, i know i'm doing something, but in the moment, its not like i can just be like, "ok, here is where you're holding on...this moment, and this moment...''


whats weird is the last time i had sex with this boy, i felt detached. i remember kind of thinking about the lack of intimacy between the two of us. and here he says he thought i was more present. its strange. i don't know what clues my body or face give to make him to feel this way, and how my mind can totally be somewhere else. 


thoughts from friends who have orgasmed? did you ever feel like you couldn't let go?  

a meaningless post.

"I told Chris the other night that Phaedrus spent his entire life pursuing a ghost. That was true. The ghost he pursued was the ghost that underlies all of technology, all of modern science, all of Western thought. It was the ghost of rationality itself. I told Chris that he found the ghost and that when he found it he thrashed it good. I think in a figurative sense that is true.The things I hope to bring to light as we go along are some of the things he uncovered. Now the times are such that others may at least find them of value. No one then would see the ghost that Phaedrus pursued, but I think now that more and more people see it, or get glimpses of it in bad moments, a ghost which called itself rationality but whose appearance is that of incoherence and meaninglessness, which causes the most normal of everyday acts to seem slightly mad because of their irrelevance to anything else. This is the ghost of normal everyday assumptions which declares that the ultimate purpose of life, which is to keep alive, is impossible, but that is the ultimate purpose of life anyway, so that great minds struggle to cure diseases so that people may live longer, but only madmen ask why. One lives longer in order that he may live longer. There is no other purpose. That is what the ghost says."

-from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values, 1974

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Ajna and anjA bring up very valid questions. Surprisingly, my I and me don't have the answers either. Not that you girls were looking for them in Sabrina and anirbaS. But in reading your post, I and me are quite in awe of your self honesty, because I and me aren't quite there. I lie to myself, to me. That I can tell you girls. That I haven't reached a level of self honesty with me that you talk about reaching with your reflection.

And meaning, purpose, doing...the opposite: meaningless, purposelessness, and not doing somehow are the fuel behind the fire, the ying for the yang, i don't know. If everything is meaningful, purposeful, and you are always doing something, what does that mean? how do you know without the opposite?

Maybe my steady stream of meaninglessness jabber is the way I cope with the space between meaningfulness. There is a reason it's a part of me. You, for whatever reason, enjoy my bullshit, we wouldn't have become friends if it didn't exist. I wouldn't write off the little things so quickly Aj and Ja...our happiness (and sadness) lies in the thermal delight of it all.