NOgasm

i'm not sure what i'm going to write, because i'm going into this without a plan, without anything i need to vent. i'm waiting for a text for a plan in an hour and a half. i may nap if i don't end up going anywhere interesting with this soon.

i must mention, i am listening to a song, Pussy Cocaine by Tiger Love. I rather like it. already got my text.

maybe the same thing that prevents me from orgasming was the same thing that prevented me from having any sort of relationship till Dustin. I don't know how to dig into my history to figure this out. does the answer really lie gracefully in my past anyway? I shared the post about frantic sex with the boy who had the frantic sex with me. this is what he wrote in response (we've had sex once after the time i wrote about):

"interesting... the funny thing is that the last time we had sex was probably my favorite. i was feeling a comfort from you. a comfort with yourself and the situation that has not always been there. i think that's a big ingredient for pleasure for both... my intuition doesn't let me enjoy situation fully unless i feel that the other person is on the same level. i have a lot or more detailed opinion on this if you're ever wanna chat. you're a great giver but are you a good receiver???? ;) thanks for sharing!"


the question he posed at the end was a no brainer to me. no. of course i'm not a good receiver. i'm terrible. i don't let go. it's weird to know that i'm holding on, but not know what i'm holding on to? is it because i'm afraid of letting go, like holding onto a cliff and falling off? what would make me afraid to orgasm, if this was the case? or is it like when you don't realize what you're doing or happening, like when i forget to breath during yoga poses or i don't realize that i'm hunching until it's corrected. and no one has walked me through the breath pattern or used their hands to position my shoulders up and back so i know what the right posture feels like. obviously, i know i'm doing something, but in the moment, its not like i can just be like, "ok, here is where you're holding on...this moment, and this moment...''


whats weird is the last time i had sex with this boy, i felt detached. i remember kind of thinking about the lack of intimacy between the two of us. and here he says he thought i was more present. its strange. i don't know what clues my body or face give to make him to feel this way, and how my mind can totally be somewhere else. 


thoughts from friends who have orgasmed? did you ever feel like you couldn't let go?