Tuesday, November 3, 2009

step one: modeling

i've felt kind of lost, scared, and helpless the last few days. There have been so many things on my mind that even the white space to fill on this post is intimidating and overwhelming. i don't know where to begin or go.

i think the easiest way is to just break down areas of my life into cute litte categories so i can get a handle on them (or you can).

modeling: i'm scared shitless to move forward but and am pretending that time isn't passing. it's like i've already got it in my head that i've missed this season or maybe if i keep procrastinating i will miss it...which will be easier to face than failing. blaming it on waiting for america's next top model is easier than grappling with the rejection or picking up the pieces of where i left off at front and next. i'm just scared to even go back to them as if they will blame me or not want me because i've been taking my time--which i just keep taking more and more. i finally faced a demon when i looked up new york agencies and found out open call times. most of them don't have them, so it seems illogical to fly up there, but i don't think sending pictures online is going to get me there either.

i have this tendency to keep using my pictures as some sort of excuse for not moving forward. i can't go to the agency until i have a book. i can't have a book until i have all the pictures. i can't print the pictures until they are beautifully photoshopped. i'm learning just how long it takes to photoshop them.

but the fact is, i need to get over all of this because the shoots from austin aren't make or break. and i need to just get my balance of investing enough into this to be serious and be taken seriously, but not go overboard and leave myself drowning. so i've been working over how to do this and i think i'm finally getting there in a way. i have a poa, so to say. i actually took a break in writing this paragraph to talk to my mom and figure it out.

also, i still haven't talked to jeanne, which is getting to me because it's kind of a big deal, knowing what i have to do in order to graduate. and that is looming over me too as i'm trying to work all this shit out. so here is the plan:

go to miami next week and meet with front and next with whatever i have by then. hopefully i'll have more photos from austin that i can take. and as for the photos, i'm going to make a mini 'book' that is nice, a good presentation, but won't go overboard in terms of cost since i think that if they take me they will tear everything out and basically mold me and market me the way they want to. and i have to get over my honest self and just lie about my age because i think a lot more doors are open if i say i'm 18 instead of 21. same with my measurements, i need to just put 35 or 34 instead of 36 down to get my foot in the door because i look slender and can fit in most of the clothes. looks are what matter and i look right. but the fucking numbers i right down make people look at me differently. also next week i will email or get all the photos ready for the new york agent at img to check out. hopefully by then i also will have gotten a hold of jeanne and figured out where i'm headed...because if i have to start in a 'smaller' market before i can get into a big one, then i may as well do that while finishing up school. so basically my goal is NEXT WEEK. to make my next move in this part of my life. because i'm here in naples and it is comfortable to get into this small little world and easy little pattern...and i don't want to be one of them! that girl that was going places but never went anywhere.

unsuprisingly, i don't have time to write about everything i want to. i have to be at work in 40 minutes and have to eat and get gas before that so i can't write any more. but i want to post on the book, food, music, boys, values, ahhhhhhhhhhhh.........so much! love you.

bri

2 comments:

  1. Bri, sweetheart, you are not going to become one of those girls - I won't let that happen and neither will you.

    Modeling is tough. It is a bitch of a business and it's fierce. As long as you know this and you can rise to that level you will be fine. I bet people spend their whole lives "losing weight" and "taking pictures," and never get the guts to walk into an agency. And you already have.

    Make your small book and go present yourself. You're beautiful and smart - and don't let them take any of that away from you.

    Another thing is - school. I can see how it is looming over you. Truthfully, I think you need to call Jeanne every damn hour if you have to - to get her attention. I know you are smart, and won't let the past three years whither away - but, the sooner you act on getting this degree the less it will be looming over you. Go ahead and enroll in your other classes that you need - I can't remember what they were - english? Basically, the sooner, the better - because then you can focus more on modeling. Also, I think having a degree will only give you more confidence.

    Fuck the numbers. Fuck them. You are thinner than most models and hotter. Walk in there and let them silently know that.

    Basically Bri, you are at a standstill - you're not modeling at the moment and you're not going to school. Step one: Realize the standstill is ok. Step two: Finish school. Step three: Heels. Organize your next week so you can feel better- I LOVE YOU. LOVE you.

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  2. my photos Zrom Liang-Shi:

    http://www.liang-shi.com/proofs/sabrina
    http://www.liang-shi.com/proofs/sabrinaaugustine

    sorry you weren't the 1st darling! let me know which ones are your Zavorites :)

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