bliss & anxiety

yesterday (and today, just a little less so) I was super anxious. I've been going through another one of those phases where I feel so cooped up in Naples. I went dancing last night with Fidel. I love dancing. I LOVEEEEEE it. And I don't dance here. No one dances and the people and places that do have dancing--there is no soul or heart or spirit or that utter release that everyone in Austin shared. My life just seems like it's hit the pause button and I'm holding for something better to happen, for my life to begin. I'm searching for satisfaction in guys but not really searching and not really receiving. I went for a run today and ran to this place called Filafel Grill to meet Fidel for lunch (oh so many f's in that one!) and it was DELICIOUS and made me anxious to cook and devour greek/mediterranean/egyptian food again. I haven't been cooking as much and I miss it. I also bought myself another 2 cookbooks (my mom gave me a gift card to do so cause she said she couldn't pick one out) and so I've been savoring my mornings again (well, the last 3 or 4) by putting on my Nora Jones and eating a slow breakfast. I bought an almost moldy papaya from Walmart from Belize and it was perfect. So good. (Your mom taught me how to pick it out!) and even though Walmart isn't exactly known for produce, I figured that's where the Mexicans and poor people of Naples are shopping, and so that is probably the best crop of papaya in the city seeing that no one else eats it. Anyway, I've been cradling my weight down again (well, I was, but I got a little off track yesterday and we'll see today) since I was over my 'acceptable weight range'. It feels good though to bring it back down. It's like I pat myself on the back and give myself a thumbs up to see it lower, but also I think I'm feeling good about it because I'm just putting healthier things back into my body after eating a lot of heavy shit. So I'm cleansing and deguilting myself. But I splurged on sweet treats this afternoon. It felt like the right mood after my energizing run and delicious meal.
I think I've been roller-coastering between utter exuberance/bliss and bitterness/anxiousness too because this is that time when things are going to start happening again. The break is basically over (well, Monday) and I need to nail down that contract with 301 (I'm so scared they don't want me anymore because I asked for so much w/ the contract!) or go back to Miami to do the rounds again and re-enroll in school and write my independent study and sign up for my online classes and then keep working with Boss in New York. Now's the time when I'm going to start realizing whether I'm actually going anywhere or if Naples and the Jolly Cricket are trying to secure my chains and toss out the keys.
Obviously, I'm not going to let the latter happen, but at what point do I decide that it is more unhealthy for me to go after modeling here vs. sucking it up and going back to Texas or getting my ass up to NY alone w/ no job, money, etc.

Rachel came in last night from Brazil I think. Fidel talked to Susan (who Rachel is staying with) and hopefully they're coming to Happy Hour at work today. I'm SO EXCITED! It's been about 2 or more years since I saw this girl and I love her to death! And you and Cait mixed with my sexual frustration mixed with my anxiousness mixed with Rachel's bisexual history mixed with my utter love and adoration and affection for this girl has got my mind going. Haha. God. I'm going to shower. Get ready for work. (and pray Brandon is working--in the meantime!).

Love you!