Black Eye gone Bye Bye

So I just filmed this RTF project that was all about junky dealer – me and how I am in need of money – and this one guy – super junky – owes me two thousand fucking dollars. I am supposed to go get it from him, if I don’t I’m going to end up like fucking Luca Brassi.

The director is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. He was wonderful. However, he was as nervous as me – so we managed to tip toe a lot, which is kind of awkward. I never understood how vital the role of a director is. I know they are the heart of the movie, yet I never truly felt that until now.

I would not say this was my best work. Usually, after I do a scene or a RTF film I immediately beat myself up. Mentally destructive to the max. It is not healthy. In fact, it is sick. Absolutely sick. It is almost as if I get some sick pleasure out of beating myself up, so I can feel better about not doing my best. As if I justify my “not reaching my potential” by mentally abusing myself.

This is the first time that I did not slap myself across the face or give myself my own black eye. For the first time, I understood that Ajna this is still new to you. Yes, you have dreamt of the camera as the love of your life and have wished to be the manifestation of pages in a novel/story. You have dreamt of this for so long that the reality of it is scary. It is absolutely mind-boggling –ly frightening.

I have spent so much time in architecture, in my everyday, in myself that the act of telling a story has so far been in my imagination and dreams. So, the second I bring it out of my dreams and into my hands I can’t seem to handle it. And instead of learning this and accepting that everything takes time - I get mad at myself.

Well, this time, I did not.

I am happy with my performance. I know that my potential as actress is sky high – I just need to accept that hard work and diligence and faith will be a part of my journey there. Instead of crying on the phone to my mom or California, I sat down and thought of all the things that I could have done better in the scenes, all the moments that I did not fully play through and all the times that I was scared. It was wonderful. It is as simple as baking cookies for the first time.

You never know how important the consistency of the butter is until you melt the butter one time. You never know how important freezing the dough is until your cookies become crepes. There is an art to everything and learning its language takes time and experience and an open mind. It is as if every time I messed up, I immediately thought: “You suck as an actress, Ajna.” When really all these mess up are what can make me stronger - only if I let them.

I have never had formal training. I have never even had the balls to tell everyone what the biggest dream of my life is. I used to loiter around the theatre groups in high school. I used to sign up for theatre every year and then go cross it out. I used to think as I was in swim team, “Just swim till you get in college, Aj, then go for it, just go for it.” I have never had any experience, until these past two years – when really I work so much in architecture and fall asleep in acting class.

So, when I mess up – I get mad at myself? What the hell am I thinking – I should be happy that I’m actually fucking doing it! And if I mess up, so what? That is the point. In this acting book I was reading, the author is this really well-known casting director and he talks about how actors and actresses think that you’ve either got it or you don’t – he said that is true to a tiny extent – mostly its hard work. It’s working at becoming an actor/actress – it is so emotional that most people plateau with fear of what will happen next – I’d rather fail, do bad, fail, do bad, until I finally get it and do better! I want to see the film – I want to see what I did badly or what did not work and next time do better.

I’m sorry for writing a semi-novel about this, but I’m pleasantly fascinated at my lack of anger. And I’m so happy that I won’t wake up tomorrow morning with a bloody nose or a black eye, but instead an open mind to my path on becoming an actress.

I think I just gave myself my own therapy session.