I was working on re-designing our company logo on Thursday night at Andrew's when I received a Facebook chat from someone I never expected to hear from again. And I can't sum up what this person used to mean to me in a brief way. Yes, he was one of my best friends, we slept together one night, and I never heard from him again. But that doesn't really capture what went on. There was always this weird thing between us, somewhere between mutual respect and mutual attraction, but we never acted on it until that night we slept together. We used to drunk dial each other all the time; I got to know about his friends and he learned about mine through our vicarious experiences. And after we slept together, there was nothing. No texts, no e-mails, no phone calls. I drunk dialed him from Dallas one OU weekend because I ran into his ex-girlfriend, who I'm pretty sure hated me. I told him everything I ever wanted to say to him, and when I looked at my phone, we had been disconnected. Maybe he hung up, I'm not sure. But that was the end of it for me.
It might seem like I've been thinking about this guy constantly, but I haven't. Really. I think about a year and a half ago, after I wrote something to chronicle the evolution of our friendship, I just let go of all my hangups related to this guy.
I don't know if the concept of always can exist anymore-- for me, at least. Because I used to believe I would always feel like I had just been punched in the stomach if I thought of him, that I'd always have feelings for him. Not just him, but with others, too. And on Thursday, as we had a conversation that came two and a half years too late, I realized that I wasn't this tangled mess of a person. Talking to him didn't undo me. We were just two people who used to know each other, once. And with any other guys I thought I would care about forever, eventually, we'll one day be strangers, wondering what we ever had in common. Forgetting the inside jokes and shared experiences that made us so crazy about each other.
And so, with one Facebook conversation, I gave up my belief in always.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
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what happened to the middle?
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