Wednesday, May 26, 2010

a ghost

If I could only explain my awkwardness, I’m afraid it might make the skeleton within you jump out of your skin therefore leaving you lifeless due to my awkwardness. Goodness. I am simply unbearable. My physical body may be somewhere, but where the hell is my mind?

Oh do come back! I need you and I say stupid things without you! Ugh, I hate it when you play this game of hide and seek. I surrender!

I am just amazed at myself at times. Nothing awkward or bad happened to me today to be the catalyst of this post, yet a realization. A realization of how empty I feel at times, therefore weaving my own invisibility cloak.

I’m sitting with the nineteen year old’s friends who are really cool and really fun. Only I do not have a voice. I have a seat in the circle, but sometimes I wish for their sake I was not there and their circle could be perfectly tighter. Sometimes I wish the nineteen year old did not like me so that he could have a life of his own.

He likes me, he tells me. I tell him “shh.” I know he does not like me. He likes what I tell him and he likes how I make him feel, but were he to know me, I’m oh so sure he would not like me. A truth that I only wish I could make him swallow so he would leave me and return to his life. Yet, the selfish part of me is drawn to his sweetness.

His mind has strength that I admire and envy. A strength that only drugs and years of abuse and mental questioning can develop. It is crazy to think of how drugs and abuse have made him developed in a way that my tender mind craves.

I can’t get over how wrong I feel being in his life and how he cannot see it. Maybe he is seeing it and choosing not to, yet this part of me wants him to push me out. Wants him to tell me that you are not right for me. I can only know that this will not happen, but hanging out with his friends today, I felt like a ghost.

They were not mean or rude, they were only themselves. Which made me realize ever so much more, that I do not belong. Oh New York City, embrace me.

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